Being a woman requires a certain amount of maintenance. Even ladies who consider themselves “low maintenance” still require a few basic touch-ups on a regular basis. These usually involve shaving, hairstyle up-keep, manicures/pedicures, and the use of cosmetics. Some women, usually those who have oodles of free time on their hands for one reason or another, go to much greater lengths to keep themselves beautiful. Such activities include facials, massages, waxing or anything else that can be ordered off the Burke-Williams menu. I mean, who doesn’t like a nice massage now and again? However, there are a number of aesthetic procedures I abhor, and I don’t understand anyone who thinks that the following items make you more attractive to the opposite sex. They are (in no particular order):
Acrylic Nails. And no, a French Tip manicure does not make them any more classy.
Hair Extensions. I don’t care if they’re weaved or glued or just an extra piece you clipped in to give your hair more volume, you look like a cheap whore. Hair problems? Wear a hat.
Spray-on Tans. With the rising popularity of “Dancing with the Stars” and, to a lesser extent, “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” more and more people have become a slave to the spray tan. True, the spray tan is a healthy alternative to tanning beds or sun worshiping, but some people go too far. I’ve witnessed both men and women go so far as to apply subtle shading techniques to accentuate their six-pack. Others carry their own spray tan kit and take it with them wherever they go.
Look, I understand if you don’t want to have tan lines for your wedding or some other auspicious occasion that will be documented photographically for all time. But getting a spray tan on a regular basis is dangerous. Not unlike mainlining heroin, the spray tan tempts the user to get a little bit darker each session. You may start with Tahitian Princess, but eventually you will settle for no less than St. Tropic Sun Goddess. Your tanning judgment will be permanently skewed and eventually an intervention will have to occur. This is right around the time when your own grandma doesn’t recognize you anymore, and new friends will not be able to identify you in old family pictures.
Breast Augmentation. Yes, your boobs CAN be too big. And, please for all that is holy, STOP ASKING PEOPLE TO TOUCH THEM. No woman with the boobs God gave her will EVER ask a casual acquaintance to feel her up. So, the whole, “They’re-REAL-Touch-Them Argument” only assures others that you have DEFINITELY had your boobs done. Unless you are a stripper, a hooker, a porn star, or a transvestite, you have no business sporting a pair of fake double Ds.
Botox. Ladies, despite all rumors to the contrary, Botox is not your friend. Botulinum toxin is one of the MOST LETHAL NATURALLY OCCURRING SUBSTANCES KNOWN TO MAN, yet it is still widely used for cosmetic purposes in a purified and isolated form. So, NO, it is not okay to carry around a syringe full of poison just in case you need a quick touch-up. It doesn’t make you look more attractive, it just makes you look like you belong on display at Madame Toussaud’s.
However, putting all of those unforgivable crimes against beauty aside, the single worst infraction that immediately tells everyone exactly what type of woman you are, is your eyebrows. When it comes to eyebrows, there IS such a thing as too thin. At no time should your eyebrow assume the shape of a comma or a tepee. Shaving your eyebrows off and then using eyebrow pencil to draw them on is also not okay. Here are a few excellent examples of what your eyebrows should NEVER look like:
Cat Brow
Comma Brow
Flower Brow
Maybe some of you aren’t aware that the eyebrows are not just ornamental. We have eyebrows for a reason. The main function of the eyebrow is to prevent moisture, mostly salty sweat and rain, from flowing into the eye. The typical curved shape of the eyebrow (with a slant on the side) and the direction in which eyebrow hairs are pointed, make sure that moisture has a tendency to flow sideways around the eyes, along the side of the head and along the nose. Eyebrows also prevent debris such as dandruff and other small objects from falling into the eyes, as well as providing a more sensitive sense for detecting objects being near the eye, like small insects. Eyebrows have an important job to do and messing around with them too much is potentially hazardous to your ocular health.
To be honest, there was a time when I didn’t give a hoot about eyebrows. Heck, I didn’t even notice them. They were a non-entity. I lived in ignorant bliss, and life was good. All of that changed one ill-fated evening at my cousin’s house. My “friend” Kristy casually mentioned that my eyebrows could use some “shaping.” Before the word “OK” had escaped my lips, Kristy began to tweeze. Read the rest of this entry »
A while back, I lit incense and candles on a pretty regular basis in a vain attempt to disguise any other telltale aromas that might be wafting about my bedroom. Unless you’re trying to seduce a lover, candles and incense burners scream out, “hey, look at me…I smoke pot.”Candles have been pretty good to me over the years. Rarely did a candle go awry or burn lopsidedly. Candles were my friend, but that all changed rather quickly one fateful night.
