Kimopolis

My kind of town.

Posts Tagged ‘Top Chef’

Raisins Ruin Everything

Posted by kimlno on September 11, 2009

Raisin

Raisin

Why is it that everything that has cinnamon in it ALWAYS has raisins in it too? Is there some unwritten epicurean law that I am unaware of that mandates the coupling of these two ingredients? For once, I’d like to bite into a cinnamon roll and NOT have my unsuspecting taste buds assaulted by withered fruit. Raisins ruin everything. Don’t get me wrong, I like raisins. Just don’t go hiding them in my food. Raisins are fine all by themselves. They’re sweet and tasty and make the perfect snack, but if you insist on adding them to salads (BLEECH!) or jello (“But, Lane, you love raisins.”) I am going to have to call a Food Foul.

As long as we’re discussing salads, do you know what else is NOT okay to put in a salad? NUTS. Just keep your slivered almonds and pesky pistachios OUT of my lettuce. That goes double for sunflower seeds. An uninformed diner could choke to death on one of those tiny food assassins, and they’re too damn small to pick out every single one. Nuts and seeds are fine on their own, I’ll even go as far as allowing nuts, seeds, and raisins to co-exist together in a nice hearty trail mix, but they are meant to be enjoyed separately. They are not a garnish, they are a snack food. If I find them in my salad, I’m gonna be pissed.

Another food that’s fine on its own, but should NEVER be coupled with anything else besides carrots in a simple cru d’ete, is celery. Celery does not belong in TUNA. At no point should tuna be CRUNCHY! That’s disgusting. Want to ruin a perfectly good stuffing? Put celery in it. You might as well add some nuts and raisins while you’re at it, because I’m not going to eat it. Not every food needs to have “texture”! This isn’t Top Chef! Michael Ciccarello is not judging you on your creativity and none of the above ingredients are part of a “Quick Fire Challenge”.

While we’re on the subject, the only proper way to serve onions is deep fried. Don’t go sneaking any onions into my tuna, either. But, most importantly, do NOT put onions in my enchilada. When enjoying a cheesy, gooey enchilada, smothered in red sauce, the last thing I want is to crunch down on a hard, raw piece of onion. Are you happy, now, because you just ruined my dinner?!? If you insist on adding onions to something, they should be cooked well enough as to be unrecognizable to the human eye. Translucent, small, and indistinguishable from the food in which it has been added to. Any other method of onion adding is just plain WRONG.

Furthermore, as a general rule, don’t put cold, wet things on my sandwich. Maybe you haven’t noticed but bread is not good when it’s soggy. Just save the lettuce and tomato to make a nice side salad. Oh, and all you grill masters out there? Don’t even consider putting that ice cold vegetable crap on my hot juicy burger. I will cut you.

(Can you tell I’m on a diet?)

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Posted in Because I Said So | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Evan Rachel Wood(en) Is NOT Sophie-Anne Leclerq

Posted by kimlno on August 31, 2009

Um, no.

Um, no.

NOTE: If you don’t watch True Blood, don’t even bother reading this. It won’t make any sense, and you’ll probably just think I’m a bitch (if you don’t already). Secondly, start watching True Blood. Oh, and read Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse series while you’re at it. Go on, now. Scoot.

Three words: Evan. Rachel. Wood(en). SO unimpressed. Did she not get the memo that she was portraying an 1,100-year-old vampire, and not a cheap 20-something tramp with poor taste in furniture and fangbangers (Did you see that ludicrous line up of what I am assuming were supposed to be delicious human morsels? It looked more like an audition for the Broadway cast of Hair, if you ask me.)? Perhaps I am biased, because I’ve read the books, and maybe that’s spoiled me…maybe no actress would’ve been good enough. However, really ANYONE would have been better than Ms. Wood(en). Let’s pick her apart, shall we?

She lacked poise and grace. She was nervous and unsure. She moved like an awkward young girl who’d never worn heels before. And, to make matters worse, she was less than intimidating, and honestly, her acting (if you can call it that) was stiff and arch. I no more believed she was a seasoned vampire, ruling the entire state of Louisiana, mind you, than I believe in the Tooth Fairy. Faeries, maybe. But the Tooth Fairy? No.

She gave me the feeling that her only qualifications for playing a vampire were the fact that she dated Marilyn Manson and has an unhealthy predilection for Goth fashion. She was certainly not hired for her ability to emote convincingly. To be frank, I cannot wait until she’s killed off…if that’s indeed what eventually occurs. Okay, here’s where I am going to discuss the Sookie books, so be forewarned…SPOILERS AHEAD. Please do quit reading now if you don’t want to know what happens. Not that Alan Ball is sticking even remotely with the original storyline, but just in case…right?

For those of us who’ve read the Sookie Stackhouse series, we know that Bill later on reveals that Sophie-Anne Leclerq (STOP READING NOW, this is your last warning) hired vampire Bill to seek out Sookie and essentially coerce her to fall in love with him. As you can imagine, this puts a great strain on Bill and Sookie’s relationship. But in tonight’s episode of True Blood, neither Sophie-Anne nor Bill acknowledged their covert Sookie-seduction, or that it’s even a matter of interest in their grand plan. Aside from mentioning she’d like to meet Sookie one day, Sophie-Anne hardly gave her more than a passing moment of thought. Too busy playing Yahtzee, I suppose.*

And, excuse me, but what’s this with her making out with Eric in next week’s episode? I thought she liked GIRLS. Did she bone him in the books? If she did, I don’t remember it, so I’m just going to pretend it didn’t happen. All I know is that Evan had better take her hands off my man Eric or else…there WILL be blood. HERS, all over that tacky marbled “day room” floor. God, even Liberace would’ve been offended by those awful chandeliers juxtaposed with those sad-looking, taxidermied seagulls. I mean, REALLY.

On a TOTALLY unrelated note, did anyone else notice Todd English’s freakishly large head on Top Chef? So, off-putting. I wonder if he had anything to do with the band Big Head Todd and the Monsters? If not, quite the odd coincidence, don’t you think?

*Yahtzee? Really?!? Couldn’t they think of a more dignified parlor game to pass the millennia playing? Bridge, perhaps? A little Canasta? Snooker? She might as well have busted out the game of Life. At least that would’ve been slightly ironic, and not just plain moronic.

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Posted in Because I Said So | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

I Want Padma’s Job.

Posted by kimlno on December 4, 2008

200px-padma_lakshmi1For those of you who have been living in a cave, or you are one of those assholes who believes you should kill your television, Padma Lakshmi is the host of Top Chef. What’s this Top Chef you speak of? It’s a cooking contest where wannabe chefs from all over vie for assorted cash and prizes. The contestants are usually asked to prepare delicious meals in completely impossible and ludicrous situations. And who best to judge such a fantastical gastronomic event? A world famous chef, you say? Not even close. In all their infinite wisdom, the people at Bravo (who introduced us to that lovable stiff Tim Gunn on Project Runway) felt that a practically unknown model-slash-actress would be best suited for the job. Of course! Because when I think of models, I think of FOOD. Great casting, Bravo (really, bra-VO).

When Padma was a little girl growing up in the slums of Mumbai, uh, I mean Malibu, she was in a terrible car accident. Blah. Blah. Blah. Jaws of Life. Blah. Blah. Blah. She now has a hideous scar on her right arm. It’s pretty impressive as far as scars go – seven inches long spanning from her elbow to her shoulder. Oh, how will she ever live a normal life? Cope with the adversity? Be able to show her face in public? Dear God, was it not enough that she was born of Indian descent?!? Yeah, cry me a freakin’ river. Padma grew up to be tall and thin, plus she was willing to forsake eating. So, naturally, she became a model. Padma showed the world that you can be physically disfigured and STILL be a top model (oh, wait…wrong show, sorry). So very, very brave. I’d like to see how her modeling career would have turned out if that scar was on her face, and not her arm. Oh, calm down…I’m just sayin’!

Any-anorexia, Padma and her giant scar went on to make a few crappy films (I have one word: Glitter) and some truly forgettable television shows (Sharpe?). She even married a famous writer, Salman Rushdie, who, in addition to being fat and bald, was seven years older than her FATHER. Ew. Can we say daddy issues? But when that romance didn’t work out (I am convinced that she was jealous of the fatwa and subsequent assassination attempts because her big ass scar paled in comparison), the ex-model/actress wrote a cookbook. Yes, because the logical order of the universe dictates that if your first job is to get paid not to eat, then, when that opportunity dries up, create recipes for others to cook and enjoy, making them fatter and you, in comparison, much skinnier. It’s diabolical, I know. Oh, and the key ingredient (such a wit, am I), make sure that truly unappetizing (there I go AGAIN) scar gets as much attention as possible. Act as if it wasn’t even there, but be sure to wear short sleeves and tank tops as much as possible. Genius.

Now, I am sure that Padma is a very nice person. Maybe she’s got a fantastic sense of humor that keeps those chefs in stitches, I don’t know. But, the Padma on Top Chef is a real ball-breaker. Never mind that she doesn’t ever have to lift a finger, except to put food into her mouth (which I am convinced she spits out off-camera before she swallows it), she gets to spend her days talking smack about the contestants, usually behind their backs, and all the while wearing fabulous designer fashions. Who died and made her the queen of haute cuisine? Does she own a restaurant? Have any of us ever seen her cook? Really, who does she think she is? Julia Child?

Someone with her kind of deformity should NOT be allowed to work with food, especially in a judging capacity. Have you ever noticed how she picks the most opportune moments to flash her scar, usually by reaching out to pick up food, when it’s food prepared by a contestant she doesn’t particularly care for? And then, when it comes time to have a bite of one of her favorite chef’s creations, she hides that scar by using her left hand to pick up the grub and hides her right arm behind Tom Colicchio’s fat ass. Watch her. She uses her scar like an all-powerful appetite suppressant that even seasoned (I know, I am killing myself) chefs cannot overcome. Time after time, proper scar placement allows her favorites to succeed while the others pack their knives and go.

I just want to know one thing, Bravo…where do I sign up?

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