You're going to name me WHAT?!?

WARNING: The following contains strong language and graphic imagery that may not be suitable for all audiences.

As I do every morning (okay, technically afternoon), today I perused some of my favorite web links whilst sucking down a delicious Outrageous Raspberry smoothie from Robeks. The O.R. has been my breakfast of champions since my surgery last February that made everything I ever loved to eat, look, taste and smell like dog crap. You’d think being on liquid diet for a month and a half would’ve flushed away those few extra pounds (okay 50) I’ve been carrying around with me, but then, you’d be wrong. It seems that my body is so fucking efficient, that even if I stop eating, and the sight or smell of food makes me gag, I can still maintain my BBW figure. Oh, happy day.

Anyfat, today was a special day in the universe because the “First Lady of Neo-Soul,” Erykah Badu, finally named her baby girl that she had last month. No rush, people. You definitely want to take your time when naming your child, because, GOD FORBID, you name it something stupid like Mars Merkaba. Oh, wait. That IS what she named her beautiful baby girl. Great. Now her child sounds like a reasonably priced hybrid four-door sedan from Mazda. Good luck, Mars. You’re going to need it. At least your siblings, Puma Rose and Seven Sirius, will be able to commiserate with you.

Ever since Frank Zappa paved the way to “Ridiculous Names for Your Baby Land,” celebrities have been wracking their brains to come up with the most unique name for their utterly defenseless, innocent little children. Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple? Doesn’t sound so bad, now, does it? Even when she went for another bold baby name choice with her second born, and named her son Moses, now, I ask you, in retrospect, is Moses really that terrible? Let’s take a closer look at some of the creative, and truly distinctive, names conjured up by today’s new parents of note. Shall we?

Seraphina Rose Elizabeth: Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck.
Do you know how long it took me to find out that your daughter’s name is the same as a fictional vampire? Less than two seconds. Really, you could’ve just looked it up on your iPhone as easily as I just did, but I am thinking you didn’t. The sad thing is “Seraphina” wasn’t even a pretty vampire, as she was turned late in life she is described thusly, she “appeared older than most vampires, with streaks of grey and white in her hair and a wrinkled face.” Not the image you wanted to conjure when referring to your newborn? I’m telling you, a little Google goes a long way.

Dexter Lloyd: Charlotte Church.
Do they not have cable in the UK, Char? Are you somehow unaware of a little series on Showtime called “Dexter?” Anylivingunderarock, Dexter is, how can I put this delicately? A SERIAL KILLER. Oops, that just popped out. Sorry. But it’s not like the name “Dexter,” under other circumstances, would be considered a good name choice, either. Sure, you’re British and with the cute accent and all, you’ll probably call him “Dex” and others will find it simply charming. However, may I suggest, before you name your next child, to consult the Urban Dictionary website. Because I am still eating, I’m not going to repeat the information I found when I did a search for “Dexter,” but those of you who are interested, please feel free to look for yourselves.

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha: Lisa Bonet.
You would think having the influence of Bill Cosby in your life would give you an extra advantage when it came to parenting. Apparently (no pun intended) not. And let me say, I am a HUGE fan on the Hawaiian Islands and everything related to the Polynesian culture. However, giving your child a name that is TWENTY EIGHT letters long (not including his last name) AND hyphenated is just wrong. You have no idea how wrong, because your name only has nine letters, first and last. Take it from someone who has been trying to cram her name onto every government-issued legal document her entire life, it SUCKS.

Bronx Mowgli: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.
Oh, Ashlee. Always trying to shine while mercilessly cast into the dark by the shadow of your considerably more famous sister. Well, let me be the first to congratulate you on leaving a permanent impression on the world, after your bout with acid reflux, by naming your son after one of the five boroughs of New York City. I understand that the Beckhams had already usurped your first choice, Brooklyn, for their own offspring. Bloody foreigners. But, was “Bronx” the next best choice? Points for working the letter ‘X’ into your child’s name (doesn’t everybody want to be like the Jolie-Pitts?), but I can’t help shake the feeling that your boy would’ve been better off named “Manhattan.” Then, you could’ve easily gotten away with calling him “Manny,” and no tears would be shed. As it is, you might be better off calling him by his middle name, “Mowgli,” but not by much.

Zuma Nesta Rock: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale.
First, let me say, I love me some Gwen Stefani. Not so much you, Gavin, because well…you’ve not exactly been prolific since the break-up of Bush. Anywashedupmusicalcareer, “Zuma” is a beach, not a baby name. It’s also the name of a popular computer game, but again, not a baby name. Just so we are clear. “Zuma Nesta Rock” sounds like a protein bar that can only be purchased where expensive running shoes are sold. Or a new all-natural power drink, like Monster, that contains enough caffeine to keep the average adult awake for at least 48 to 72 hours. You wouldn’t name your baby “Monster,” would you?

Peanut Kai: Ingo Rademacher.
I know when it comes to names you totally drew the short straw, but to pass that stigma on to your little boy? That’s just cruel. Peanut is something many people are allergic to, and, more recently, a source of salmonella poisoning. Perhaps you were inspired to name your child a food product by baby Apple, but still. And yes, I did read that you and your wife settled on “Peanut” because that’s what you called him when he was still inside his mommy’s tummy. Another name for an unborn child is “fetus,” but you wouldn’t think of naming your child THAT, would you? On a personal note, your brother in law Volodar sure knew his way around an acupuncture needle. Good man. Horrible name.

Kal-El: Nicolas Cage.
Superman, huh? That’s a hell of a lot of pressure to assign your toddler. Don’t you think he’s going to get enough ribbing about his dad’s performance in the remake of “The Wicker Man?” C’mon, give the kid a chance, at least. Geez.

Huckleberry (and brother Marmaduke): Bear Grylls.
Why? Why give your boys dog names? Cartoon dog names? Why?

Audio Science: Shannyn Sossamon.
I can see your parents got creative with the spelling of your name, but what did you unborn child ever do to YOU to deserve the name Audio Science?

Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee.
Scientologist. ‘Nuff said.

Suri: If you don’t know who her parents are, you shouldn’t be reading this.
Again, Scientologist. She should thank her lucky stars they didn’t name her Xenu.

Rocket Valentine (as well as your brothers, Racer, Rebel and Rogue): Robert Rodriguez.
Your initials are R.R. and being a proud parent, you wanted to pass that honor down to your sons. Beautiful gesture, really. Stupid names. If they aren’t already, every single one of your children will be diagnosed with ADHD. Mark my words.

Moxie CrimeFighter (and your brother Zolten): Penn Jillette.
I like you, Penn. Always have. Saw you live in New York with your sidekick Teller, and you guys were great. I even bought a book the two of you wrote. Plus, I love “Bullshit.” Really good show. Well done. Do you know where perhaps you are not exactly considered to be an expert? Yes, the dance floor was the first thing I thought of as well, but there’s something else I am thinking of. Oh, that’s it…naming babies. You, sir, should not be allowed to name any more babies, ever. I suppose you think you’re clever. Well, that’s one way to look at it. Want to know how your children are going to see it when they are old enough to realize that their names are absolutely preposterous? No, I didn’t think so. Have fun when those two mature into teenagers! They are going to make your life a living hell.

Prince Michael II (Blanket): Michael Jackson.
I am going to defer to the always funny and entertaining Katt Williams when he said, “You don’t name your child Blanket.” There was another very descriptive word Mr. Williams added to that sentence, and although when he says it, it’s funny, but if I were to say it…you might not like me anymore. Moving on…

Jermajesty: Jermaine Jackson.
Now, THAT’S a name! Jermaine had to actually use his brain to come up with that gem. He just made a word up. He took the best part of his name, and then kicked it up a notch and made that shit ROYAL. I freakin’ LOVE it! I hope that kid really decides to OWN that name. If I were him, everything I owned would be purple, and I wouldn’t be caught dead without my crown and scepter. Work it, Jermajesty. You are American Royalty.

Spec Wildhorse: John Mellencamp.
Speck is Pee-Wee Herman’s dog. Now, I like Pee-Wee Herman. I think he is hilarious. But, that whole porn movie masturbating in public fiasco kind of cast Pee-Wee in a negative light. Oh, and that big box of child pornography found in his house (if you got the 40-Year-Old Virgin reference, two points). Y’know, because being a host of a kiddie show and being arrested for anything remotely sexual makes you look like Michael Jackson. Nobody wants that. Plus, “Spec” suggests something insignificant or small. You’re a small man, John. How would you feel if someone called you “speck?” Even if your little boy doesn’t genetically take after you, and he grows up to be a big guy, his name will still sound comical. Y’know, like calling a fat guy “Slim,” or a dumb guy “Einstein.” Either way, your kid is screwed.

Diezel Ky (and your older brother, Denim Cole): Toni Braxton.
JEANS. That’s all I am sayin’.

Bogart Che Peyote: David “Puck” Rainey.
What do you expect from a guy whose only talents are snot rockets and offending every member of the cast of the Real World San Francisco, including Pedro Zamora, an AIDS activist who later DIED from the disease? Puck, you ignorant fool (you thought I was going to make a naughty rhyme, didn’t you?), you have just guaranteed your son a trip to rehab. Better start saving money for it now, dickhead. As a matter of fact, I think all the kids on this list should have two funds set up in their names, one for college and one for rehab, because you know, as well as I do, ALL of these kids are going to end up abusing some substance or another.

Honor Marie: Jessica Alba.
At first, I didn’t really see a problem with your choice, Jess. I thought of it as the next logical step in the long tradition of naming your baby girl for a virtue that she embodies like Charity, Faith, or Hope. Sure, those names reek of daytime dramas (or hookers with a heart of gold), but they aren’t awful. Cheesy, sure. But, you know kids (and, to be fair, grown men who should know better), if a name sounds like something else, they just can’t help but point it out and then make up little jabs that could bring an adult male who has spent time in a maximum security correctional facility to tears. I feel sorry for your little girl and all the ways “on her” will be creatively applied to her given name. You might want to think of a nickname, and soon.

Banjo Patrick: Rachel Griffiths.
You’re Australian. You want to honor fellow countrymen. You decide to name your baby in honor of a famous Australian poet. All good intentions. But “Banjo?” To be perfectly clear, “Banjo” was a nickname for Andrew Barton Patterson, and not his given name. Why not officially name your son Andrew Barton, and just call him “Banjo?” Thereby giving your son the option to revert to Andrew should he deem it necessary. Because, and I don’t think I am alone in the word association progression, in that the first thing that comes to mind when someone uses the word “banjo” is the rather unsavory image of inbred hillbillies anally raping Ned Beatty in “Deliverance.” My heart aches for your little boy because I can already anticipate the hurtful playground taunts he will inevitably face. “SQUEEEEEEEEEAL!” Or, “You got a real purdy mouth.” Just food for thought.

For those of you who will be naming your own child sometime in the near future, I have put together a few simple guidelines to choosing an appropriate baby name. Just follow these three easy steps:
1. Research. Type potential names into that Google search box and see what comes up. If the first five sites have anything to do with porn, notorious criminals, or communicable diseases, it’s time to move on.
2. Invoke your inner school yard bully. See if the name you think is absolutely perfect can be manipulated into something negative. Rhyming, breaking the name down phonetically, anything you can think of that could potentially turn that name into a nightmare for your child, figure it now before it’s too late.
3. Ask for help. Be open to constructive criticism. If, when you announce the potential baby name, anyone snickers, snorts or guffaws, take note. Listen to your friends stories of people they might know who will share your baby’s name. Often, such stories can give you invaluable insight that only experience can bring.
Remember, although a rose by any other name may smell just as sweet, no one wants to smell a flower named putrescence…especially when they know what the word means.