Kimopolis

My kind of town.

Posts Tagged ‘Opinion’

Money Makes the World Go Around

Posted by kimlno on September 26, 2009

A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound, it makes the world go 'round.

A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound, it makes the world go 'round.

As much as some people may claim to abhor social networks and deem them the end of civilization and precursor to the apocalypse, sometimes they can be a useful forum in which to discuss relevant topics such as politics, environmental issues, and (not surprisingly) social affairs. True, the majority the time I spend on Facebook is dedicated to the discussion of the subtle nuances of the season finale of True Blood, or leveling up in Mafia Wars. However, on occasion, important issues are debated.

Such an instance took place shortly after I changed my status to read: “Kimberly Nordlinger is pretty sure money can buy you happiness. If you’re rich and sad, you’re doing it wrong.” I hardly thought my only semi-serious opinion would cause such a lively discussion amongst my friends, but then, you never really know what’s going to spark off the next great Facebook debate. These heated tete-a-tetes usually involve two of my more opinionated acquaintances who rarely, if ever, agree with one another.  However, being that they are both highly intelligent and insightful, their individual arguments, either pro or con, are always well thought out and quite indefensible.

One of them agreed with my status statement, and the other did not. Since I am always right, the one that shared my view, that more money would lead to more happiness, isn’t the one I took issue with, of course. The friend that immediately quoted real facts and figures regarding the correlation of wealth and happiness (a completely unfair tactic, if you ask me) is the one I felt the need to explain myself to. He claimed that studies have shown that people with less money are, in fact, happier than those with excess. Poppycock, I say. He continued to point out that money simply afforded the wealthy more freedom. Well, duh. He even went so far as to create an equation to clarify his point of view:

Freedom = Time = Whatever You Choose To Do = The Ability To Find Happiness

My other friend (and I) begged to disagree with his over simplistic explanation of the correlation between money and happiness. She went on to give specific examples of the things she would be able to do if she had unlimited funds, and how they would, without a doubt, increase her happiness quotient. Because I respect her privacy, I won’t share her wish list, however I will instead substitute mine. If I had access to large sums of money, I would make immediate changes to my current status. Most importantly, I would either attempt to have, or adopt, a child. Of course, I’d like to buy my own home, a new car, and give everyone of my friends and family whatever their hearts desired…but mostly, I’d just like to be a mom. Without the proper financial resources, it would be socially irresponsible of me, and possibly detrimental to the development of a healthy, happy child, to do so.

Of course my opponent was quick to point out that many people have children who can’t afford to. In addition, having a child isn’t a guarantee of future happiness, and, although they may be loathe to admit it, being a parent is a choice some even regret. Indeed we all agreed on this point in particular. Still, given the opportunity, I’d like the chance to find out for myself.

I am not so naive to think that money can solve any problem. I’d even be willing to admit that, for some, money can lead to a world of misery and sorrow. However, no amount of money could possibly buy me more time. I have all the time in the world. And, believe me, I am NOT complaining. I love that I have the freedom to do whatever I want. It’s my personal financial constraints that keep me inexorably tied to the reality of my situation. So, and I am only speaking for myself, the money-happiness equation looks more like this:

My Life + More Money = More Opportunities for Increased Happiness

Who knows? Perhaps if I had billions of dollars, I’d feel just the same way as I do about my life now. It’s possible that more money would just lead to more problems. Some would say that I don’t have a husband, or children, because that’s actually the way I want it to be (the inescapable influence of a self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps?). Those same people would probably assert that even if I were filthy rich, my life would still have followed the exact same course. Maybe they’re right. All I’m saying is, I’d love to have the opportunity to experience being wealthy first-hand, and then draw my own conclusions.

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Something’s Coming

Posted by kimlno on July 5, 2009

The air is humming, and something great is coming!

The air is humming, and something great is coming!

Can you feel it? There’s a buzz in the air, and no, it’s not just your ears ringing from the fireworks last night*. Something’s coming, and it’s something good (if I can wait!). Ladies and gentlemen, it’s “Big Brother” season.

Oh, I can hear you all now, “Christ, Kim…ANOTHER reality show? Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?” To which my answers are, “Yes,” and “No,” respectively. Besides, “Big Brother” is different than all those other reality shows. “Big Brother” is the ultimate social-psychological experiment and CBS has generously provided 24/7 access to watch these human guinea pigs in a controlled environment…for free. You don’t even have to leave the comfort of your own home.

There’s a whole lot of crazy going on in the house most of the time, and the reasons behind the insanity are multitudinous. To understand why these people suddenly snap and go completely bat-shit crazy for no apparent reason, it’s important to understand their living situation. Let’s review the “rules”, shall we?

  • Once you enter the house, you can only leave if you are voted out. The door is locked, and the outside world no longer exists.
  • No newspapers, no magazines, no internet, no iPods, no cell phones, no books (except the bible), no games, and no pens or paper. The written word is completely banished in the BB house. The only televisions in the house are closed-circuit with one in the HOH room, and the other in the main living room. Just imagine trying to live for one day without even one of those items. Yeah, I couldn’t do it either. Heck, I don’t think I could even survive an hour.
  • Privacy does not exist. Houseguests wear a microphone 24/7. Cameras are abundant throughout the house and the only room without a camera is the tiny 3’x3’ box where the toilet is. EVERYTHING else is captured by cameras at all times.
  • The only access to the outdoors is the backyard. Although equipped with a pool and a hot tub, the only discernable difference between the backyard and the house is the blue sky above. (Once or twice, someone has attempted to relay information to the houseguests by using a plane to fly overhead with a message trailing behind. I don’t think anyone’s attempted skywriting yet, but I have no doubt they will.) In addition, the backyard is only available when BB rolls up the solid steel gate covering the sliding glass doors to the outside. So, sometimes, the whole cast is trapped inside with each other for HOURS on end. Claustrophobia, anyone?
  • Food and booze are limited to what the BB producers feel like providing. There are weekly food challenges, and the losers always have the indescribable pleasure of eating “BB Slop” until the next challenge. Slop looks like oatmeal, but isn’t nearly as tasty.
  • The final, and most important factor, is that everyone in the house is your competition. To win the $500,000 prize, you have to outlast your houseguests for THREE MONTHS. That’s a LONG-ass  time. Even if you managed to avoid being voted off each week, you still have the unbelievably difficult task of making allies with your opponents, all the while trying to get them ousted before they give you the boot. This leads to all sorts of subterfuge that showcases the entire spectrum of human emotions, from tears to anger to desperation. The will to live is tested on a daily basis in the BB house. And THAT’S what makes it so interesting to watch.

Admittedly, when BB first aired, I wasn’t a fan. In fact, I really didn’t start watching the show until season 8, the one with “Evel” Dick. From then on, it was like heroin. I certainly couldn’t stop watching it and I needed more of it the longer I watched. In all of their utter brilliance, CBS airs the unedited, uncensored version, “Big Brother: After Dark” on Showtime. BB: AD doesn’t always make sense, and it can be mind-numbingly boring, as well…but other times, it is PHENOMINAL. Case in point, when Joshuah lost his MIND on Allison in the hot tub. Here’s a CLIP (Joshuah SNAPS at 6:47, for those who don’t want to watch the whole, ugly, nasty confrontation. WARNING: Explicit language!):

In season 9, James literally had a nervous breakdown on camera when his BFF, Chelsia, was voted out of the house. He sunk into a deep depression, the likes of which this seemingly happy-go-lucky guy with a shocking-pink mohawk had never demonstrated before. It was heart-wrenching. And, THEN…his misery turned to RAGE. James screamed and yelled at everyone and anyone who was in his proximity, and it got UGLY. I’m not gonna lie. Here’s a clip when James confront his surrogate mother in the house, Shelia, and he is so confused by her back-stabbing behavior, he doesn’t know whether to laugh, shout or cry. So, he does all three at once. Click for CLIP:

Good stuff, huh?

Some of you are sitting there, reading this and thinking, “Duh, Kim. All of that ‘drama’ is scripted. The producers give the guests prompts on how to behave, what to do, and exactly what to say.” And to that I say, “I DON’T CARE!” It makes no difference to me if BB is really real or not. It’s GOOD. More power to CBS for creating a fabulously cast and well-acted show. Bravo.

Just, whatever you do, CBS…don’t take away my BB.

*Was it just my neighborhood, or were there a multitude of unscheduled (not to mention illegal and HIGHLY dangerous) firework explosions before, during and after the Palisades “Official” Fireworks Show? I mean, it’s freakin’ 11:13 in the p.m. and some asshat keeps setting them off like 100 yards away from my balcony. Enough already. Patriotism is great and all, but my heart is racing like a teacup Chihuahua on speed every time one of those blasted (sorry, couldn’t help myself) things goes off. My nerves are frayed. Jesus, pass out already, people. Or, at least, go somewhere else.

Those DICKS! They just did it again! (11:16)

And AGAIN! (11:45)

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Desperately Seeking Boozehounds

Posted by kimlno on May 13, 2009

Editor’s Note: While fact-checking, I discovered that the actual title of the show is “The REAL Housewives of…” and not “The DESPERATE Housewives of …” This is due to, in no small part, the fact I watch far too much television, and simply confused these ladies with the fictional women that live on Wisteria Lane. However, I am feeling rather lackadaisical and can’t be bothered to rewrite the whole thing. So, build a bridge, and get over it.

The New Jersey Housewives

The New Jersey Housewives

Have you seen the pure brilliance that is “The Desperate Housewives of New Jersey?” It is by far and away the best of the bunch, and I’ve only seen one episode. Yes, it’s THAT good. Admittedly, I was a little late to the “Desperate Housewives of …” Party because if I want to see bitchy rich women with bad plastic surgery, I need only walk across the street to Gelson’s.[1] Nonetheless, those Atlanta ladies sucked me in with the whole Nene and the “Who’s your daddy?” storyline. Were you aware that there are DNA testing centers in strip malls in Atlanta? Me neither.

ANYsinglehandedlydestroyingdecadesofeliminatingstereotypesinoneepisode, when that season was over, it just seemed right to watch the Orange County version, y’know, to compare and contrast the different ways to be filthy stinking rich yet still have all the class of a white trash, trailer park whore. And, boy, did they deliver!  In one episode, the Ugly One[2] was faced with a terrible dilemma: sell the Lake Havasu vacation home to buy a boat, or keep the second home and forgo the boat. Thank God, Ugly made the right choice and kept the house down by the river because that meant they actually went there and filmed the drunken antics of Ugly and all her friends and family. Oh, it was as good as Cheese Whiz on a Triscuit, let me tell you.

First, everyone at Lake Havasu is perpetually one sip away from falling down drunk, including her children. Second, even though these women have had multiple offspring and are pushing 40,[3] they believe it is their God given right to wear the most revealing, inappropriate two-piece swimsuits in order to show off their surgically-enhanced, spray-tanned, French-tipped, Brazilian-waxed bods.[4] Lastly, Ugly’s BFF’s oldest son[5] reveals his newest tattoo that reads “Nugget” and is strategically placed on the INSIDE of his lower lip. Yeah, so he has to use his fingers to pull down his lip so you can see it. But, wait, here’s the best part: “Nugget” is a term of endearment for the unborn child his girlfriend miscarried while coincidentally visiting the Free Clinic. Can you believe this redneck shit?!? If that were my son, I would have to shoot him for being so stupid. I just could not live with myself knowing that the totally ignorant fruit of my loins could possibly procreate. And now you know why I HAD to watch.

Sadly, when the O.C. tramps said farewell to the camera crews, the show featured a new flock of vapid vixens, but these bitches lived in New York City. You know what? I could barely watch a single episode of that crap. The New York women were so BORING. All they did was throw big, fabulous parties in the Hamptons. Yawn. And instead of causing a scene like Nene did when her name was not on the VIP guest list for her friend’s party, or getting totally sloppy drunk during a dinner party like Gretchen and then practically having sex with the host’s son before the dessert had even been served, these NYers used the NY Post to voice their differences about each other. Are you fucking kidding me? Your Thunderdome is the social page of a newspaper? How much more passive aggressive can you be? I am sorry, but I had to stop watching those ladies drag my favorite show through the mud. I decided it would be best to simply wait for the NY housewives to finish up, and start anew with the next installment of the ladies that lunch.

It was TOTALLY worth the wait. The New Jersey chicks are unbelievably spectacular. They have far surpassed any and all expectations I could ever dream of. Four of the five are related, either by blood or marriage, and the fifth is a divorcee who, and I can’t believe how awesome this is, “met” a “man” on WealthyMen.com who goes by the handle “GucciModel.”[6] Well, she decided after months of hot and steamy phone sex, it was finally time to meet Mr. Wonderful in person. So, as she primps for their first encounter, two of the other housewives are trying desperately to talk her out of it, mainly because she doesn’t even know the guy’s real  NAME. Well, Little Miss Manhunter doesn’t see that as an obstacle to a lifelong loving relationship and off she goes to meet him at a bar. So CLASSY. Thankfully, her friends have an iota of common sense and they secretly spy on Manhunter as she waits for over an hour and a half for “GucciModel” to show up. When he never arrives,[7] the two Nancy Drews pop out of their hiding spot on the other side of the bar[8] to console their friend.[9] So, now Manhunter is sad. Aw. However that doesn’t last long, as her melancholy mood quickly turns to rage when she finds out that the other four friends are going clubbing in “The City,” and she wasn’t even invited. The NERVE! She is so pissed, she almost gets a wrinkle on her beautifully Botoxed forehead. Naturally, she makes a special trip down to the beauty parlor, where the other girls are having their hair done for the big night out,[10] to sit outside and sulk.[11] The peacemaker of the group joins Manhunter and tries to talk her out of crashing the party, of which she does a pretty good job by smoothing things over…for now. But I can feel the DRAMA bubbling to boil, especially when the preview clips included the lines, “Blood is thicker than water” and “No one messes with The Family.” You know those Jersey girls will cut a bitch!

I can’t wait for next week.

[1] KIDDING!
[2] Whose name escapes me at the moment.
[3] At least!
[4] For a quick image reference, think Magda in “There’s Something About Mary.” Scary, huh?
[5] Who brings a whole new meaning to the word “scumbag.”
[6] Oh, there are just so many things wrong with that sentence.
[7] SHOCKER!
[8] For which they brought binoculars strong enough to see the individual pores on her face.
[9] Which, as well all know, was really just an excuse to say, “I told you so.”
[10] What is this, 1952?
[11] In their line of sight, of course.

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Excusez-MOI!

Posted by kimlno on March 12, 2009

kermit-fashion

I have seen some sick shit in my life. But, this? This is BY FAR the most disgusting, repulsive, stomach-turning, bile-producing fashion garment I have ever laid eyes upon. How dare they turn a beloved muppet into haute couture?!? Kermit is NOT a fabric! He’s a frog!

Oh, Kermit. My dear, sweet little Kermie. How? HOW?!? How could they do this to you? You didn’t leave the swamp to end up as an accessory on the runway! Now, *sniff* you’ll never know why there are so many songs about rainbows.

A pox upon you Jean-Charles de Castelbajac! Vengence, in the name of the frog, shall be mine.

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The List of Me

Posted by kimlno on December 29, 2008

  • I can raise one eyebrow, just like an evil genius.
  • Given the proper tools and time, I can solve any problem or answer any question.
  • I am a third generation Angelino. I was born in Los Angeles, both my mom and my dad were born in Los Angeles, and both my mother’s father and my father’s father were born in Los Angeles.
  • I have never had a cavity.
  • I have a cadaver bone in my neck (plus 4 titanium screws and 2 titanium plates, which kinda makes me feel like Jamie Sommers, the Bionic Woman).
  • I have the uncanny ability to predict the future about completely random (and usually useless) events.  But, just like a good Greek tragedy, I have ridiculously bad luck especially if I attempt to use this ability for personal gain.
  • I love my family, but I love that we can all hang out together and have fun even more.
  • I have sung live on stage in front of hundreds of people at the House of Blues in Hollywood.
  • I don’t like lettuce or tomato on my sandwiches, yet I love salad. Go figure.
  • I don’t like milk on my cereal. Instead, I have a glass of milk and a bowl of plain cereal.
  • I have laughed so hard that I peed in my pants, and I think that’s awesome.
  • I love games, but I don’t particularly care for sports. The only sports I would even consider participating in or watching are: Figure Skating (except for Ice Dancing), Synchronized Swimming, Gymnastics, and Cheerdancing.
  • I love music so much, that I don’t think I could live without it.
  • I have a dark side, but a sunny disposition.
  • My eyes change color depending on what I am wearing.
  • Given that I have at least two pieces of gum in my mouth at the same time, I can blow a double bubble (one bubble inside the other).
  • For ten years, I was a casting director. The three shows I worked on that you’ve probably heard of are “The X-Files,” “Married with Children,” and “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.” On any given day, the office would be filled with buxom babes, creepy-looking dudes, and teen heartthrobs.
  • Speaking of casting, I have been in attendance for some very unusual auditions. One in particular involved a cooler full of rattlesnakes. The snakes were not defanged, nor had they been milked. In order to keep them from striking, a very fine filament had been threaded through their nostrils and down around their jaw making it difficult, but not impossible, for them to open their mouths. If the reading went well, the actors were asked to repeat the scene while several snakes were placed around their shoulders and feet. When the session was finished, the snake wrangler asked me if I wanted to try it. Of course I said yes, because the “Cool” factor far outweighed the “Fear” factor.
  • The only time I have ever traveled outside of North America is when I went to Paris. For one day.
  • I have an extraordinary sense of direction, and I rarely get lost.
  • Cigarettes make me nauseous; however their undeniable dramatic allure momentarily blinded me. I tried to start smoking in high school, but one U2 concert and two packs of Marlboro Reds later, I quit. I have never smoked another one, nor do I have the urge to. Oddly enough, during my college years, I smoked pot like it was going out of style.
  • My first name (Kimberly), my middle name (Lynn), and my last name (Nordlinger) can be strung together to make one word: kimberlynnordlinger. As my mom was completely stoned on pharmaceutical grade drugs during childbirth, this was simply a coincidence.
  • As long as we are on the subject, I hate my name. It’s WAY too long. No one ever pronounces my last name correctly the first time. As Kimberly was the fifth most popular name the year I was born, I have rarely been the only Kimberly in the group. Plus, I do not look like a Kimberly. Most of the Kimberly’s I know are blonde and bubbly, and drive convertibles. I wear too much black to be a Kimberly.
  • I have awesome handwriting. However, my cursive looks like an arthritic with a severe palsy having a seizure.
  • My best friend in college was a hair stylist, and I was her guinea pig (I was going to say “muse” but then I would be lying). My hair has been red, purple, black, and the one time I tried to go platinum blonde, most of it fell out. That was the one and only time I ever cried about my hair.
  • I have been told I have a good sense of humor, and some people even think I am funny. What they don’t know is, if I didn’t have the ability to make light of even the most horrible of situations, I’d either be insane or dead by now.
  • Currently, I am single, unemployed, and I have no children. Oh, and I live at home with my mom. See what I mean about that sense of humor thing?
  • I like raisins, but I think adding them to any other food is a culinary crime.
  • I have been in four major car accidents, none of which were my fault. Three of them occurred when I wasn’t even moving. I have sworn to stop driving altogether if anyone else hits my car again. The upside is, since my car has spent most of its life in the shop being repaired, my 1999 Honda CRV has less than 55,000 miles on it.
  • I have an opinion on everything, and if you disagree with me, you are obviously wrong.
  • I am an internet junkie, a reality television whore, and I will watch any movie that stars Keanu Reeves.
  • I believe marijuana should be legalized, and guns should be outlawed.
  • Every Fourth of July I listen to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture as loud as my speakers will allow while watching the fireworks. It is one of my absolute favorite pieces of music, and I usually pretend to conduct the orchestra for the entire 15 ½ minutes.
  • As a child, I never had a favorite stuffed animal or a blankie I was particularly attached to. However, I did suck my thumb until 5th grade (not during school or out in public, just on the sly when I was sure no one else was around). Fearing my thumb sucking would eventually equal very expensive orthodontia, Dr. DaVirro put an appliance in my mouth called a crib. I called it “The Claw,” because that’s what it looked like. It worked, though, and I haven’t sucked my thumb since.
  • I had the privilege to work with Cary Elwes (“Westley” from The Princess Bride).  Unexpectedly, after many casting sessions together, he kissed my hand and said, “As you wish.” I almost died.
  • I was a very gullible child. Once, after a particularly large purchase at the supermarket, my mom had filled her little Datsun Z to the brim with grocery bags. Then, she looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, honey, there’s no room for you. You are just going to have to walk home.” At which point I replied, “All the way?!?”
  • Regardless of the weather, I sleep with the window open.
  • I refuse to be friends with anyone who constantly complains, but never wants a solution to their problem. I call these people “Emotional Vampires.”
  • I have never lived anywhere that wasn’t within walking distance of the beach, and I never will.
  • When I was about 4 or 5, I was playing a game of hide-and-seek with my mom. After I finished counting to ten, but before I could finish telling her that she’d better not jump out and scare me, she did just that and said, “BOO!” I passed out cold. To this day, I do not like loud sudden noises, and I am the worst person to watch a scary movie with because if I anticipate that something scary is going to happen, I have to cover my ears. And even then, I still usually jump out of my seat.
  • I am far more comfortable in the water than I am on land, and if I didn’t need to breathe, I would live under the sea like the Little Mermaid or SpongeBob SquarePants.

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