Kimopolis

My kind of town.

Posts Tagged ‘Men’

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Too

Posted by kimlno on October 7, 2009

If you see this man, RUN.

If you see this man, RUN.

It’s been a couple of years since I read I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by the infamous cad Tucker Max, but I still remember it as being one of the funniest books I’ve ever read. For those of you who don’t have any idea who I’m talking about, allow me to fill you in. Tucker Max wrote a memoir about all of his most depraved sexual exploits and cringe-worthy asshole behavior and he makes no apologies for being brutally honest and happy to share. (Kinda like me, huh?)

Maybe at the time I read his book, I’d overdosed on Chick Lit and his unabashed misogynistic tales were just the antidote I needed to snap me out of my “Someday My Prince Will Come” fantasy land. Maybe I liked it because I’ve actually known guys that think and act like Tucker, and to read of the countless women who fell for his shtick over and over again made me feel less sorry for myself and more thankful that I’d never sunk that low. Believe me, you’ve got to have some serious issues if you actively seek out Tucker Max and actually want him to sleep with you. Because, even before he wrote the book, Tucker kept a popular blog that detailed his predatory actions and made no effort whatsoever to conceal his “devil may care” attitude about sex with strangers and some really strange strangers, at that. (One word: Midgets.)

So, it still surprises me to no end the amount of vitriol most women feel towards this guy. They not only hate him, they think he should die, and wish horrible things upon him. Why? Sure, he’s a dick, but at least he’s being truthful about who he is. It’s not like any female nowadays could possibly accidentally have sex with this guy. Personally, if you’re so uninformed as to not know who he is prior to meeting him, Tucker in real life makes no effort to hide his ultimate “King of the Asshats” status. Believe me, if you met this dude at a bar, it would be blatantly apparent that he’s a womanizer, a dick, and probably just wants to bed you so that he can have another sordid story to add to the hundreds of others. He’s a total prick who wears it on his sleeve.

Don’t get me wrong. In no way am I commending this guy for his complete disregard for human feelings. Tucker Max is just plain wrong and really has no redeeming qualities. Nonetheless, his stories are priceless. And any woman who doesn’t think so obviously has been fooled by a man just like him (if not actually him). To me, their bitterness stems from an inner self-loathing that they let themselves fall for, or at least have sex with, a complete dickhead. Hey, ladies…it happens to the best of us. Instead of blaming Tucker for society’s ills, why not thank him for giving us a window into the hearts of (some) men? He does us all a favor by detailing the tell-tale signs of what a guy like Tucker acts like, a list of probable places to find such a guy, and even how to avoid becoming “that” girl.

Tucker Max, I just want to thank you. For making me laugh. For making me see how silly and narrow-minded certain women can be. But most of all, for giving me the tools to never fall prey to an A-Class Tool, such as you. Keep up the good work.

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Posted in Because I Said So | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Stupid Cupid

Posted by kimlno on October 3, 2009

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I’ve signed up at OkCupid.com to subject myself to completely unsubstantiated criticism by a whole host of men I’ll probably never meet. I know, I know. I’ve tried the whole internet dating thing before, and it didn’t end well (see: Worst. Date. Ever.). So, what makes me think this time will be any different? Um, desperation? Loneliness? Boredom? Heck, I don’t know. But things haven’t changed much. Are people still afraid to reveal themselves accurately on their profiles? Yes. Are the majority of the guys not even worth a quick skimming of their profile? Yes. Do I really think I can find a worthy adversary on the internet? Maybe. Perhaps there’s the male equivalent of myself out there who’s thinking all the same things, and by luck, he happens to like the way I look and can at least appreciate the way I think. Well, it could happen! Point being, I won’t know unless I try.

So, I figured no sense in pussyfooting around, might as well jump in with both feet and not only did I fill out my profile AND post pictures, I sent out a couple of messages to test the waters. Know what? Those bastards didn’t even have the courtesy to write me back. You know you’re not going to hear from someone when you emailed them 6 hours ago and yet their status says, “I’m online now!” Yeah, you’re online now and you’re blatantly ignoring the fact that I took the time to compose a witty and interesting message specifically written for you. You DICK. See? This is why I’m no good at the internet thing…I need more concrete feedback than just you’re online now and you’ve not responded to my note so you must not be interested. I hate assuming (it makes an ass out of you and me, don’t you know?). My imagination is FAR too active to be left to its own devices.

And then, as I was writing this, I received the following email from OkCupid:

KimLNo: hello, good news.

Your login name:

 KimLNo

Your personality:

 really great

How bad OkCupid guys want you:

 so bad

Your profile, as of 8 milliseconds ago:

 approved!

What now?


 Since you’re single and female, we think you’ll like our matching system. There’s no pressure and it’s like one massive game of Q & A with millions of strangers at once. Try it!
Half-Cocked

Half-Cocked

By the way, the fact that you scored Half-Cocked on the OkCupid Test has caused a certain amount of automated commotion in our software. Nicely done.

–OkCupid

GREAT. Apparently they only JUST approved my profile, so all this conjecture was for not. Up until a few moments ago, no one could even SEE my profile. So, disregard everything I wrote above (most especially if I called you a bastard). I’m going to give it a few more days and see if things change for the better. However, if nothing else, the OkCupid software thinks I’m hot. Yeah, so I’ve got that going for me. Too bad I don’t want to date a COMPUTER.*

*Speaking of dating a computer, do you remember that ‘80s movie Electric Dreams with Virginia Madsen? Well, in the film, a computer falls in love with her after hearing her play beautiful music on her cello. I know, totally farfetched, especially for the early ‘80s when computers weren’t much more than glorified typewriters. But still, that’s the first thing that popped into my head when I read that a piece of software thinks I’m a good catch. Here’s the original trailer for the film which sums it up quite well. Enjoy!

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What A Girl DOESN’T Want

Posted by kimlno on August 4, 2009

This could be me. (Geez. I hope not.)

This could be me. (Geez. I hope not.)

Yesterday’s post generated a TON of feedback. Thankfully, it was mostly positive. Some readers felt I was a little strict about a few of my “rules”, especially the one regarding a man’s availability. Not having any exes or children might be unfairly ruling out some perfectly good men. Others pointed out that I had neglected to mention some rather important personality traits that needed to be addressed, such as both mental and physical health. Not surprisingly, I agree with all of the above.

What I came to realize is that, in truth, everything is negotiable. Nobody is perfect, least of all me. In a sense, yesterday’s itemized inventory of “My Man’s Musts” is really more of a shopping list. Those ten items are just the basics I need, but I won’t know until I get to the grocery store what kind of selection they’ll have in stock. I may have to substitute certain items for others, or just take the best of what’s available. As long as I end up with a couple of bags full of good stuff, I’ll be happy.

However, that being said, there are certain products, if you will, I’d never, ever purchase under any circumstances. In all fairness, I’ve decided to create a list of “My Man’s Mustn’ts” just to be crystal clear on what I will not tolerate in a potential mate.

So, the top ten “Non-Negotiable No-Nos” are:

  1. NO CRIMINALS: no jail time, no felonies, no prison record. If I have managed to avoid being convicted of a crime, then you must also have not been convicted of a crime. If that’s asking too much, then I wouldn’t even bother reading the rest of this list.
  2. NO NARCISSISTS: no plastic surgery, no more than one hour a day spent at the gym, no excessive use of hair products, and absolutely no body waxing. If you are extremely hirsute, you’re not the man for me.
  3. NO PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNSTABLE MEN: no severe phobias, no history of manic-depression, no schizophrenia, and no pathological liars. If you’re a little bit crazy, like me, and your psychological issues can be handled by daily medication and weekly therapy sessions, that’s fine. Like I said, I can’t ask my potential mate to be something I’m not. I’d rather be with a man who is aware of his problems and working on making them better, than a guy who lives in denial.
  4. NO MEN WITH BAGGAGE: no overbearing mother, no meddling exes, and no “friends” who think you’d be better off drunk in a strip club…nobody who might be able to sabotage our relationship.
  5. NO COMMITMENTPHOBES: no perpetual bachelors, no playboys, no womanizers, and certainly no men who believe they cannot be satisfied by just one woman. PUH-LEASE.
  6. NO WHINERS: no complainers, no cranky men, and no nit-pickers. If you’re unhappy with your life, you should have the wherewithal, not to mention the common sense, to change it.
  7. NO GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED INDIVIDUALS: no long-distance love affairs, no romantic discourse solely via telephone, email or chat, and no one who lives in another country. If you don’t live within an hour of my location, it’s just not going to work.
  8. NO LOSERS: no unemployed slobs, no lazy good-for-nothings, and no one who doesn’t have a life.
  9. NO BIGOTS: no racists, no chauvinists, no hypocrites, no homophobes, and no one who is prejudiced in any way.
  10. NO VIOLENT TENDENCIES: no hitters, no shouters, no screamers, no physical, emotional or verbal abusers, and no one with a bad temper.

Well, I think that about covers it. Although, I may have also just ruled out every single available man on the planet in the process. Gosh, I hope not. *SIGH*

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Posted in Because I Said So, Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

Posted by kimlno on August 3, 2009

What's not to love?

What's not to love?

The other night I went out to dinner with my dear friend, Brooke. As the conversation usually does, it eventually turns to the topic of our love lives. Or, more accurately, our “loveless” lives. Here we are, two attractive, intelligent, witty, engaging, and altogether charming ladies and yet neither one of us has a husband or a long-term boyfriend, or even a date. There we were, on a Saturday night, out together at Souplantation like a couple of old biddies who, between them, have over 400 cats.*

And we’re not alone.

Yesterday, I was checking my Facebook page, and another one of my girlfriends mentioned something about tossing another loser into the boyfriend junk heap. And she was answered with replies from two OTHER friends of mine who are also single and around the same age. What the hell?

I know all you men out there are thinking, “You all must be fat or ugly.” Not so. In fact, the five of us are completely different types of women, all in varying ranges of height, weight, size, looks, and personality. But every single one of us is brilliant, beautiful and funny. You’d think at least ONE of us would be able to find a decent man, but…you’d be wrong.

All the men I meet are either married or in a committed relationship. The one or two single guys I’ve come across recently are single for a reason. They are unattractive or creepy or live at home. I refuse to date a man who, at any time, makes me feel as if he just might chop me up into little pieces and keep me in his freezer. Or worse, they’re good-looking but don’t want a “girlfriend” and are all too happy to keep playing the field. Or, the most dreaded of all, they tell you how beautiful and wonderful you are, and then you find out that they’re married. If you’re married, then WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?!?

I’ve tried internet dating, and it sucks. I’ve tried “speed dating” and that sucks even more. I’ve tried dating the guy I find less then attractive, but that never works. I’ve tried meeting guys in the places I frequent, local shops, the car wash, the waiting room of my therapist’s office, but no one seems even remotely interested. They can’t ALL be gay. I’ve even tried NOT trying, and that didn’t work either. I am seriously running out of options.

So, what’s a 30-something (*cough* almost 40 *cough*) lady to do? Honestly, I’ll take whatever suggestions you’ve got. As long as it doesn’t involve lowering my standards or ordering a man out of a catalog, I’ll try it. Bring it on.

*For the record, I’m not a fan of the cat, so, in theory, I can never be THAT woman. And Brooke just lost a cat (RIP Harry), so she has only one now. Nowhere near the 400 cats you’d think we’d have if you looked at our dating habits.

ADDENDUM: After I re-read this, I decided I should perhaps list the qualities I would consider to be essential in a potential mate. So, for your perusal, here’s a short list of non-negotiable attributes my potential suitor must possess…just in case you’re thinking of applying for the job, or know someone who might be interested.

  1. AVAILABLE: you must be available for a relationship immediately. Meaning no ex-girlfriends lurking around with whom you may “get back together with”, no current girlfriends, no ex-wives, no current wives, no overbearing mother, no children, and no female “friends” who are really just hanging around until you’re desperate enough to finally break down and have sex with them.
  2. EMPLOYED: you must have a career that you’ve been pursuing for more than 3 years that you enjoy.
  3. INTELLIGENT: you must have an education beyond a high school diploma, preferably with at least one degree from an accredited college, not ITT Tech.
  4. FUNNY: you must have a good sense of humor, and be able to see the humor in even the most dreadful of situations (e.g., still being single at the ripe old age of 38).
  5. SEXY: you must have more than just a cursory knowledge of the female body, and a strong desire to practice your well-honed techniques often.
  6. AFFECTIONATE: you must take pleasure in kissing, cuddling, and saying “I love you”.
  7. TRUSTWORTHY: you must be sincere, reliable and decent.
  8. FAMILY-ORIENTED: you must have a good relationship with your family, or at least some of them. You must like children and perhaps even want some of your own one day. Or a dog.
  9. ATTRACTIVE: you must take pride in your appearance, and make the most of what you have to work with. Having all of your own teeth (and hair) is a BONUS.
  10. OPEN-MINDED: you must be receptive to new ideas and new experiences.

Honestly, I don’t think my standards are so incredibly high that no one could ever fit the bill. I don’t need a rich guy, or one who is drop-dead gorgeous. I just want a lovable dude who thinks I’m the bee’s knees. Is that so much to ask?

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Posted in Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

First-Class Ticket to Hell

Posted by kimlno on May 20, 2009

Most of you are married and probably don’t even remember what it was like to be single, much less an active member of the dating pool, but I’m here to remind you how much it SUCKS. It sucks so bad, it BLOWS. It wasn’t fun when I was 17 and it’s certainly not fun now. Sure, you probably think it’d be exciting to go out with someone you barely know, because, let’s face it, married people don’t have a lot of variety in their lives. It’s part of the whole “I-Do-Until-We’re-Dead” package. But I’ve got news for you, it isn’t all cozy dinners by candlelight and walks on the beach. This is not the freakin’ “Bachelorette.” At no point will 25 men be vying for a rose from me.

My Itinerary for the After-Life

My Itinerary for the After-Life

Can we take a moment to address the ridiculousness that is “The Bachelorette?” Yeah, I Tivo’d that crap last night, and I could barely make it through the limo arrivals without feeling the overwhelming urge to purge. I literally almost rolled my eyes right out of their sockets. Where DO they find the guys? Is being a total douche, like, a requirement for being on the show? Seriously. The autographed cowboy hat guy? The breakdancing instructor? The short dude who kept saying, “Want to hug it out?” It was pathetic. And the guys with confidence were even worse. Ugh. More power to you, Jillian, because, honey child, you’re going to need it.

Enough about her, let’s get back to me. As I was saying, dating sucks. I would throw in the towel completely if I didn’t have this overwhelming desire to make out with someone. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since someone of the opposite sex has kissed me? Well, let me break it down for you, definitely not in 2009. Oh, and 2008 was completely devoid of lip lock, as well. 2007 could possibly have had some kissing in it, but I’m thinking not so much. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve had smooches on a regular basis since, like, 2005. I’m living in good lovin’ oblivion. The Nothing is slowly, but steadily, devouring my romantic world.[1]

What makes it worse is when some guy, who is also a pathetic loser like me, thinks that because we are both single that we should automatically, logically and instantaneously join as one. There may be slim pickin’s out there, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to date YOU. AND, it should be duly noted, YOU may not want to date ME. This is not the apocalypse. The world has not ended. We are not the only two people left on Earth. Therefore, there’s no need for us to begin procreating to save the human race, which we couldn’t do anyway, but that’s a story for another time.

I can hear you all tsk-ing, “A girl like you shouldn’t be so choosy.” And to that I reply, “Why not?” I have waited all my life to find someone special, so what makes it necessary for me to settle now? There are plenty of women, successful, beautiful, intelligent women, who never get married. I mean, look at Oprah.[2] Sure, everyone jokes that she’s a lesbian, and maybe she is, but I don’t see her marrying no other woman, neither. Believe me, if Oprah suddenly fell in love with another lady, she would be the FIRST person to spread the news. The woman single-handedly got America to elect a black man as president. Gay marriage doesn’t frighten her. Scientologists, maybe. Lesbian nuptials? Never.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is if you’re interested in me that’s not enough. I have to be interested in you, too. Plus, we need to have something interesting to talk about, or at the very least, do. Trust me, if I am interested, you will know. I am not known for keeping anything remotely interesting a secret for very long. If I’m not, then I might write a note just like this one, post it for all the world to see and hope you can read between the lines. Yes, I know, I am a TERRIBLE person. I assure you, if there is a hell, I already have a first-class ticket and about a trillion frequent flyer miles. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pour myself a glass of wine, pop a Xanax and watch the rest of “The Bachelorette.”

[1] Call my name, Bastian, please!
[2] Okay, maybe beautiful is a bit of a stretch.

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Posted in Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »