Kimopolis

My kind of town.

Posts Tagged ‘Love’

What A Girl DOESN’T Want

Posted by kimlno on August 4, 2009

This could be me. (Geez. I hope not.)

This could be me. (Geez. I hope not.)

Yesterday’s post generated a TON of feedback. Thankfully, it was mostly positive. Some readers felt I was a little strict about a few of my “rules”, especially the one regarding a man’s availability. Not having any exes or children might be unfairly ruling out some perfectly good men. Others pointed out that I had neglected to mention some rather important personality traits that needed to be addressed, such as both mental and physical health. Not surprisingly, I agree with all of the above.

What I came to realize is that, in truth, everything is negotiable. Nobody is perfect, least of all me. In a sense, yesterday’s itemized inventory of “My Man’s Musts” is really more of a shopping list. Those ten items are just the basics I need, but I won’t know until I get to the grocery store what kind of selection they’ll have in stock. I may have to substitute certain items for others, or just take the best of what’s available. As long as I end up with a couple of bags full of good stuff, I’ll be happy.

However, that being said, there are certain products, if you will, I’d never, ever purchase under any circumstances. In all fairness, I’ve decided to create a list of “My Man’s Mustn’ts” just to be crystal clear on what I will not tolerate in a potential mate.

So, the top ten “Non-Negotiable No-Nos” are:

  1. NO CRIMINALS: no jail time, no felonies, no prison record. If I have managed to avoid being convicted of a crime, then you must also have not been convicted of a crime. If that’s asking too much, then I wouldn’t even bother reading the rest of this list.
  2. NO NARCISSISTS: no plastic surgery, no more than one hour a day spent at the gym, no excessive use of hair products, and absolutely no body waxing. If you are extremely hirsute, you’re not the man for me.
  3. NO PSYCHOLOGICALLY UNSTABLE MEN: no severe phobias, no history of manic-depression, no schizophrenia, and no pathological liars. If you’re a little bit crazy, like me, and your psychological issues can be handled by daily medication and weekly therapy sessions, that’s fine. Like I said, I can’t ask my potential mate to be something I’m not. I’d rather be with a man who is aware of his problems and working on making them better, than a guy who lives in denial.
  4. NO MEN WITH BAGGAGE: no overbearing mother, no meddling exes, and no “friends” who think you’d be better off drunk in a strip club…nobody who might be able to sabotage our relationship.
  5. NO COMMITMENTPHOBES: no perpetual bachelors, no playboys, no womanizers, and certainly no men who believe they cannot be satisfied by just one woman. PUH-LEASE.
  6. NO WHINERS: no complainers, no cranky men, and no nit-pickers. If you’re unhappy with your life, you should have the wherewithal, not to mention the common sense, to change it.
  7. NO GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED INDIVIDUALS: no long-distance love affairs, no romantic discourse solely via telephone, email or chat, and no one who lives in another country. If you don’t live within an hour of my location, it’s just not going to work.
  8. NO LOSERS: no unemployed slobs, no lazy good-for-nothings, and no one who doesn’t have a life.
  9. NO BIGOTS: no racists, no chauvinists, no hypocrites, no homophobes, and no one who is prejudiced in any way.
  10. NO VIOLENT TENDENCIES: no hitters, no shouters, no screamers, no physical, emotional or verbal abusers, and no one with a bad temper.

Well, I think that about covers it. Although, I may have also just ruled out every single available man on the planet in the process. Gosh, I hope not. *SIGH*

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Posted in Because I Said So, Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

Posted by kimlno on August 3, 2009

What's not to love?

What's not to love?

The other night I went out to dinner with my dear friend, Brooke. As the conversation usually does, it eventually turns to the topic of our love lives. Or, more accurately, our “loveless” lives. Here we are, two attractive, intelligent, witty, engaging, and altogether charming ladies and yet neither one of us has a husband or a long-term boyfriend, or even a date. There we were, on a Saturday night, out together at Souplantation like a couple of old biddies who, between them, have over 400 cats.*

And we’re not alone.

Yesterday, I was checking my Facebook page, and another one of my girlfriends mentioned something about tossing another loser into the boyfriend junk heap. And she was answered with replies from two OTHER friends of mine who are also single and around the same age. What the hell?

I know all you men out there are thinking, “You all must be fat or ugly.” Not so. In fact, the five of us are completely different types of women, all in varying ranges of height, weight, size, looks, and personality. But every single one of us is brilliant, beautiful and funny. You’d think at least ONE of us would be able to find a decent man, but…you’d be wrong.

All the men I meet are either married or in a committed relationship. The one or two single guys I’ve come across recently are single for a reason. They are unattractive or creepy or live at home. I refuse to date a man who, at any time, makes me feel as if he just might chop me up into little pieces and keep me in his freezer. Or worse, they’re good-looking but don’t want a “girlfriend” and are all too happy to keep playing the field. Or, the most dreaded of all, they tell you how beautiful and wonderful you are, and then you find out that they’re married. If you’re married, then WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?!?

I’ve tried internet dating, and it sucks. I’ve tried “speed dating” and that sucks even more. I’ve tried dating the guy I find less then attractive, but that never works. I’ve tried meeting guys in the places I frequent, local shops, the car wash, the waiting room of my therapist’s office, but no one seems even remotely interested. They can’t ALL be gay. I’ve even tried NOT trying, and that didn’t work either. I am seriously running out of options.

So, what’s a 30-something (*cough* almost 40 *cough*) lady to do? Honestly, I’ll take whatever suggestions you’ve got. As long as it doesn’t involve lowering my standards or ordering a man out of a catalog, I’ll try it. Bring it on.

*For the record, I’m not a fan of the cat, so, in theory, I can never be THAT woman. And Brooke just lost a cat (RIP Harry), so she has only one now. Nowhere near the 400 cats you’d think we’d have if you looked at our dating habits.

ADDENDUM: After I re-read this, I decided I should perhaps list the qualities I would consider to be essential in a potential mate. So, for your perusal, here’s a short list of non-negotiable attributes my potential suitor must possess…just in case you’re thinking of applying for the job, or know someone who might be interested.

  1. AVAILABLE: you must be available for a relationship immediately. Meaning no ex-girlfriends lurking around with whom you may “get back together with”, no current girlfriends, no ex-wives, no current wives, no overbearing mother, no children, and no female “friends” who are really just hanging around until you’re desperate enough to finally break down and have sex with them.
  2. EMPLOYED: you must have a career that you’ve been pursuing for more than 3 years that you enjoy.
  3. INTELLIGENT: you must have an education beyond a high school diploma, preferably with at least one degree from an accredited college, not ITT Tech.
  4. FUNNY: you must have a good sense of humor, and be able to see the humor in even the most dreadful of situations (e.g., still being single at the ripe old age of 38).
  5. SEXY: you must have more than just a cursory knowledge of the female body, and a strong desire to practice your well-honed techniques often.
  6. AFFECTIONATE: you must take pleasure in kissing, cuddling, and saying “I love you”.
  7. TRUSTWORTHY: you must be sincere, reliable and decent.
  8. FAMILY-ORIENTED: you must have a good relationship with your family, or at least some of them. You must like children and perhaps even want some of your own one day. Or a dog.
  9. ATTRACTIVE: you must take pride in your appearance, and make the most of what you have to work with. Having all of your own teeth (and hair) is a BONUS.
  10. OPEN-MINDED: you must be receptive to new ideas and new experiences.

Honestly, I don’t think my standards are so incredibly high that no one could ever fit the bill. I don’t need a rich guy, or one who is drop-dead gorgeous. I just want a lovable dude who thinks I’m the bee’s knees. Is that so much to ask?

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Posted in Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

My Grandma CONTINUES To Be Cooler Than Your Grandma

Posted by kimlno on July 17, 2009

Do Grandmas get any cooler than this?

Do Grandmas get any cooler than this?

I know you were all perched precariously on the edge of your seats to hear what my remarkably magnificent grandma would say in her next email, so here it is:

Fri, Jul 10, 2009 at 4:21 PM

Kimberly,

Thank you for Emailing me. I am computer ill-literate,so bear with me when I do something wrong.

First of all, a comment on your new name.  I was born in Minneapolis, you know. and it is a little “reminiscent” of that. Is that sort of  your computer moniker?

Now, to get to the real business of the day. Your weight problem.  I read your last blog. I feel like using the word bastard, too, when I hear what has been going on with you for all these years. I just can’t believe the incompetency somewhere in the medical community. I hope you have  the problem solved and are on your way to new and wonderful horizons.

I laughed at your description of yourself as a giant cocktail olive. I hope your Barbie doll therapist turns out to be a good friend on your way to a new body.

I love you so much, Kimberly.

Grandma.

Harsh criticism sandwiched by loving compliments. I told you she was good. Although, I have to admit, for a mere moment, I was loving Grandma a little less with the “weight problem” comment. Geez, Grandma. Don’t hold back, now. My delicate feelings are of no consequence, or anything. Tell me how you really feel. SHEESH!

Is it any wonder that I am as brutally honest as I am?

Regardless, just when I thought she couldn’t get any MORE awe-inspiring…she sent me this:

Thu, Jul 16, 2009 at 10:43 AM

Kim,

Read your blog. Would have been so worried about you years ago when you had no safe place to skate. And your near disaster in Santa Barbara. Stay safe now.

Using my left hand.

Love, Grandma.

Aw. Wait. Does that mean she’s not worried about me NOW? (I kid.)

Why was she only using her left hand, you ask? Because she just had surgery for her carpal tunnel syndrome on Monday. Yes, you read that correctly. My almost 90-year-old Grandma had major surgery, on her hand no less, and she STILL managed to send me a lovely comment on my last blog post. And some of you can’t even manage to push the little “like it” button. You should be ashamed of yourselves! ASHAMED, I tell you.

ANYuseapencilclenchedbetweenyourteethifyouhaveto, what my grandma fails to mention is that ALL of her grandchildren lived on, or near, the Cliffs of Insanity. If you think the little hill out in front of my house is bad, you should see the behemoth my cousins Cam and Mandy had to contend with.  Roller skating, bicycling, even walking in less-than-comfortable shoes were simply not an option on Jameson Drive. Heck, trick-or-treating was barely feasible. If it had not been for the promise of free candy, I think we would’ve skipped the event entirely.

And my other three cousins lived on a rather steep slope themselves (in all 15 different locations). What’s up with that? Why is it that, at NO TIME in all of our combined childhood years, did any of us live on a flat street? Did our parents not consider the fact that we might want to bike and/or roller skate without losing a limb, or putting our lives at risk?!? Or do the family elders all have an unnatural or inborn affinity for living on top of a mountain? It boggles the mind. Truly.

Thank you, Grandma, for each and every one of your stellar emails. Your computer skills are astounding, and I am so very proud that you are my grandma. I hope that I never disappoint you and continue to amaze you with all the things I can do. I wouldn’t be half the brilliant person I am had it not been for you. All of my love and hugs and kisses.

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Posted in Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations, You Don't See THAT Every Day | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

My Grandma Is STILL Cooler Than Your Grandma

Posted by kimlno on June 30, 2009

My "Real" Grandma

My "Real" Grandma

After my last post, a few of you made it crystal clear to me that you had, sadly, lost your grandmas and, by me flaunting my living, breathing, super cool grandma flagrantly in your face, I might possibly have caused several of you to imbibe heavily. For that, I apologize. And I have more bad news for you lot, I’m afraid. My grandma responded to my last post and I’m going to share that email with you all now. So…SUCK IT!*

Date: Tue, Jun 30, 2009 at 10:36 AM

Subject Re: READ ME

Kimberly,

You and the computer will never stop to amaze me about what you are both capable of.

Your blog about me was so neat, and that picture of me goes back a long ways. Next time put in a picture of the real me.

I believe that the verse is the first part of the song and the chorus, the more familiar, second part. I always stop and listen when Nat sings my favorite song, but to watch him sing it was so wonderful. It made me cry; a happy, nostalgic cry.

This was all so exciting, thanks, sweetie.

I love you, Grandma.

Isn’t she the best? Her ability to sandwich her one small criticism with two gushing compliments is almost effortless. I will have to remember that tactic for when I am a Grandma. Note to self: 2 compliments to 1 criticism. Mix well.

Don’t you just love how first, she assumes I’ll write another post about her, and then, she goes on to TELL me (not ask, mind you) to use a better picture of her next time (‘or else’ was definitely implied). Apparently, the Bossy Gene was successfully passed down to me.

By the way, ‘neat’ is the equivalent of ‘totally freakin’ awesome’ in Grandma-speak.

I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!

*When I say ‘SUCK IT’, I really mean ‘I’m so sorry that your grandma has passed away.’

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Posted in Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations, You Don't See THAT Every Day | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »