Posted by kimlno on September 11, 2009
Raisin
Why is it that everything that has cinnamon in it ALWAYS has raisins in it too? Is there some unwritten epicurean law that I am unaware of that mandates the coupling of these two ingredients? For once, I’d like to bite into a cinnamon roll and NOT have my unsuspecting taste buds assaulted by withered fruit. Raisins ruin everything. Don’t get me wrong, I like raisins. Just don’t go hiding them in my food. Raisins are fine all by themselves. They’re sweet and tasty and make the perfect snack, but if you insist on adding them to salads (BLEECH!) or jello (“But, Lane, you love raisins.”) I am going to have to call a Food Foul.
As long as we’re discussing salads, do you know what else is NOT okay to put in a salad? NUTS. Just keep your slivered almonds and pesky pistachios OUT of my lettuce. That goes double for sunflower seeds. An uninformed diner could choke to death on one of those tiny food assassins, and they’re too damn small to pick out every single one. Nuts and seeds are fine on their own, I’ll even go as far as allowing nuts, seeds, and raisins to co-exist together in a nice hearty trail mix, but they are meant to be enjoyed separately. They are not a garnish, they are a snack food. If I find them in my salad, I’m gonna be pissed.
Another food that’s fine on its own, but should NEVER be coupled with anything else besides carrots in a simple cru d’ete, is celery. Celery does not belong in TUNA. At no point should tuna be CRUNCHY! That’s disgusting. Want to ruin a perfectly good stuffing? Put celery in it. You might as well add some nuts and raisins while you’re at it, because I’m not going to eat it. Not every food needs to have “texture”! This isn’t Top Chef! Michael Ciccarello is not judging you on your creativity and none of the above ingredients are part of a “Quick Fire Challenge”.
While we’re on the subject, the only proper way to serve onions is deep fried. Don’t go sneaking any onions into my tuna, either. But, most importantly, do NOT put onions in my enchilada. When enjoying a cheesy, gooey enchilada, smothered in red sauce, the last thing I want is to crunch down on a hard, raw piece of onion. Are you happy, now, because you just ruined my dinner?!? If you insist on adding onions to something, they should be cooked well enough as to be unrecognizable to the human eye. Translucent, small, and indistinguishable from the food in which it has been added to. Any other method of onion adding is just plain WRONG.
Furthermore, as a general rule, don’t put cold, wet things on my sandwich. Maybe you haven’t noticed but bread is not good when it’s soggy. Just save the lettuce and tomato to make a nice side salad. Oh, and all you grill masters out there? Don’t even consider putting that ice cold vegetable crap on my hot juicy burger. I will cut you.
(Can you tell I’m on a diet?)
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Posted in Because I Said So | Tagged: Carrots, Crunchy, Funny, Humor, Lettuce, Onions, Raisins, Salads, Saracasm, Tomatoes, Top Chef, Tuna | 2 Comments »
Posted by kimlno on December 29, 2008
- I can raise one eyebrow, just like an evil genius.
- Given the proper tools and time, I can solve any problem or answer any question.
- I am a third generation Angelino. I was born in Los Angeles, both my mom and my dad were born in Los Angeles, and both my mother’s father and my father’s father were born in Los Angeles.
- I have never had a cavity.
- I have a cadaver bone in my neck (plus 4 titanium screws and 2 titanium plates, which kinda makes me feel like Jamie Sommers, the Bionic Woman).
- I have the uncanny ability to predict the future about completely random (and usually useless) events. But, just like a good Greek tragedy, I have ridiculously bad luck especially if I attempt to use this ability for personal gain.
- I love my family, but I love that we can all hang out together and have fun even more.
- I have sung live on stage in front of hundreds of people at the House of Blues in Hollywood.
- I don’t like lettuce or tomato on my sandwiches, yet I love salad. Go figure.
- I don’t like milk on my cereal. Instead, I have a glass of milk and a bowl of plain cereal.
- I have laughed so hard that I peed in my pants, and I think that’s awesome.
- I love games, but I don’t particularly care for sports. The only sports I would even consider participating in or watching are: Figure Skating (except for Ice Dancing), Synchronized Swimming, Gymnastics, and Cheerdancing.
- I love music so much, that I don’t think I could live without it.
- I have a dark side, but a sunny disposition.
- My eyes change color depending on what I am wearing.
- Given that I have at least two pieces of gum in my mouth at the same time, I can blow a double bubble (one bubble inside the other).
- For ten years, I was a casting director. The three shows I worked on that you’ve probably heard of are “The X-Files,” “Married with Children,” and “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.” On any given day, the office would be filled with buxom babes, creepy-looking dudes, and teen heartthrobs.
- Speaking of casting, I have been in attendance for some very unusual auditions. One in particular involved a cooler full of rattlesnakes. The snakes were not defanged, nor had they been milked. In order to keep them from striking, a very fine filament had been threaded through their nostrils and down around their jaw making it difficult, but not impossible, for them to open their mouths. If the reading went well, the actors were asked to repeat the scene while several snakes were placed around their shoulders and feet. When the session was finished, the snake wrangler asked me if I wanted to try it. Of course I said yes, because the “Cool” factor far outweighed the “Fear” factor.
- The only time I have ever traveled outside of North America is when I went to Paris. For one day.
- I have an extraordinary sense of direction, and I rarely get lost.
- Cigarettes make me nauseous; however their undeniable dramatic allure momentarily blinded me. I tried to start smoking in high school, but one U2 concert and two packs of Marlboro Reds later, I quit. I have never smoked another one, nor do I have the urge to. Oddly enough, during my college years, I smoked pot like it was going out of style.
- My first name (Kimberly), my middle name (Lynn), and my last name (Nordlinger) can be strung together to make one word: kimberlynnordlinger. As my mom was completely stoned on pharmaceutical grade drugs during childbirth, this was simply a coincidence.
- As long as we are on the subject, I hate my name. It’s WAY too long. No one ever pronounces my last name correctly the first time. As Kimberly was the fifth most popular name the year I was born, I have rarely been the only Kimberly in the group. Plus, I do not look like a Kimberly. Most of the Kimberly’s I know are blonde and bubbly, and drive convertibles. I wear too much black to be a Kimberly.
- I have awesome handwriting. However, my cursive looks like an arthritic with a severe palsy having a seizure.
- My best friend in college was a hair stylist, and I was her guinea pig (I was going to say “muse” but then I would be lying). My hair has been red, purple, black, and the one time I tried to go platinum blonde, most of it fell out. That was the one and only time I ever cried about my hair.
- I have been told I have a good sense of humor, and some people even think I am funny. What they don’t know is, if I didn’t have the ability to make light of even the most horrible of situations, I’d either be insane or dead by now.
- Currently, I am single, unemployed, and I have no children. Oh, and I live at home with my mom. See what I mean about that sense of humor thing?
- I like raisins, but I think adding them to any other food is a culinary crime.
- I have been in four major car accidents, none of which were my fault. Three of them occurred when I wasn’t even moving. I have sworn to stop driving altogether if anyone else hits my car again. The upside is, since my car has spent most of its life in the shop being repaired, my 1999 Honda CRV has less than 55,000 miles on it.
- I have an opinion on everything, and if you disagree with me, you are obviously wrong.
- I am an internet junkie, a reality television whore, and I will watch any movie that stars Keanu Reeves.
- I believe marijuana should be legalized, and guns should be outlawed.
- Every Fourth of July I listen to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture as loud as my speakers will allow while watching the fireworks. It is one of my absolute favorite pieces of music, and I usually pretend to conduct the orchestra for the entire 15 ½ minutes.
- As a child, I never had a favorite stuffed animal or a blankie I was particularly attached to. However, I did suck my thumb until 5th grade (not during school or out in public, just on the sly when I was sure no one else was around). Fearing my thumb sucking would eventually equal very expensive orthodontia, Dr. DaVirro put an appliance in my mouth called a crib. I called it “The Claw,” because that’s what it looked like. It worked, though, and I haven’t sucked my thumb since.
- I had the privilege to work with Cary Elwes (“Westley” from The Princess Bride). Unexpectedly, after many casting sessions together, he kissed my hand and said, “As you wish.” I almost died.
- I was a very gullible child. Once, after a particularly large purchase at the supermarket, my mom had filled her little Datsun Z to the brim with grocery bags. Then, she looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, honey, there’s no room for you. You are just going to have to walk home.” At which point I replied, “All the way?!?”
- Regardless of the weather, I sleep with the window open.
- I refuse to be friends with anyone who constantly complains, but never wants a solution to their problem. I call these people “Emotional Vampires.”
- I have never lived anywhere that wasn’t within walking distance of the beach, and I never will.
- When I was about 4 or 5, I was playing a game of hide-and-seek with my mom. After I finished counting to ten, but before I could finish telling her that she’d better not jump out and scare me, she did just that and said, “BOO!” I passed out cold. To this day, I do not like loud sudden noises, and I am the worst person to watch a scary movie with because if I anticipate that something scary is going to happen, I have to cover my ears. And even then, I still usually jump out of my seat.
- I am far more comfortable in the water than I am on land, and if I didn’t need to breathe, I would live under the sea like the Little Mermaid or SpongeBob SquarePants.
Posted in Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: 1812 Overture, Beach, Bubble Gum, Car Accidents, Cereal, Cigarettes, Dark Side, Emotional Vampires, Evil Genius, Games, Gullible, Hair, Handwriting, Humor, Keanu Reeves, Lettuce, Me, Milk, Music, Opinion, Paris, Raisins, Rattlesnake, Sandwich, Tchaikovsky, The Princess Bride, Thumb Sucker, Tomatoes | Leave a Comment »
