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Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Too

Posted by kimlno on October 7, 2009

If you see this man, RUN.

It’s been a couple of years since I read I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by the infamous cad Tucker Max, but I still remember it as being one of the funniest books I’ve ever read. For those of you who don’t have any idea who I’m talking about, allow me to fill you in. Tucker Max wrote a memoir about all of his most depraved sexual exploits and cringe-worthy asshole behavior and he makes no apologies for being brutally honest and happy to share. (Kinda like me, huh?)

Maybe at the time I read his book, I’d overdosed on Chick Lit and his unabashed misogynistic tales were just the antidote I needed to snap me out of my “Someday My Prince Will Come” fantasy land. Maybe I liked it because I’ve actually known guys that think and act like Tucker, and to read of the countless women who fell for his shtick over and over again made me feel less sorry for myself and more thankful that I’d never sunk that low. Believe me, you’ve got to have some serious issues if you actively seek out Tucker Max and actually want him to sleep with you. Because, even before he wrote the book, Tucker kept a popular blog that detailed his predatory actions and made no effort whatsoever to conceal his “devil may care” attitude about sex with strangers and some really strange strangers, at that. (One word: Midgets.)

So, it still surprises me to no end the amount of vitriol most women feel towards this guy. They not only hate him, they think he should die, and wish horrible things upon him. Why? Sure, he’s a dick, but at least he’s being truthful about who he is. It’s not like any female nowadays could possibly accidentally have sex with this guy. Personally, if you’re so uninformed as to not know who he is prior to meeting him, Tucker in real life makes no effort to hide his ultimate “King of the Asshats” status. Believe me, if you met this dude at a bar, it would be blatantly apparent that he’s a womanizer, a dick, and probably just wants to bed you so that he can have another sordid story to add to the hundreds of others. He’s a total prick who wears it on his sleeve.

Don’t get me wrong. In no way am I commending this guy for his complete disregard for human feelings. Tucker Max is just plain wrong and really has no redeeming qualities. Nonetheless, his stories are priceless. And any woman who doesn’t think so obviously has been fooled by a man just like him (if not actually him). To me, their bitterness stems from an inner self-loathing that they let themselves fall for, or at least have sex with, a complete dickhead. Hey, ladies…it happens to the best of us. Instead of blaming Tucker for society’s ills, why not thank him for giving us a window into the hearts of (some) men? He does us all a favor by detailing the tell-tale signs of what a guy like Tucker acts like, a list of probable places to find such a guy, and even how to avoid becoming “that” girl.

Tucker Max, I just want to thank you. For making me laugh. For making me see how silly and narrow-minded certain women can be. But most of all, for giving me the tools to never fall prey to an A-Class Tool, such as you. Keep up the good work.

Posted in Because I Said So | Tagged: Assholes, Books, Funny, Humor, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Men, Tucker Max, Womanizers | Leave a Comment »

Raisins Ruin Everything

Posted by kimlno on September 11, 2009

Raisin

Why is it that everything that has cinnamon in it ALWAYS has raisins in it too? Is there some unwritten epicurean law that I am unaware of that mandates the coupling of these two ingredients? For once, I’d like to bite into a cinnamon roll and NOT have my unsuspecting taste buds assaulted by withered fruit. Raisins ruin everything. Don’t get me wrong, I like raisins. Just don’t go hiding them in my food. Raisins are fine all by themselves. They’re sweet and tasty and make the perfect snack, but if you insist on adding them to salads (BLEECH!) or jello (“But, Lane, you love raisins.”) I am going to have to call a Food Foul.

As long as we’re discussing salads, do you know what else is NOT okay to put in a salad? NUTS. Just keep your slivered almonds and pesky pistachios OUT of my lettuce. That goes double for sunflower seeds. An uninformed diner could choke to death on one of those tiny food assassins, and they’re too damn small to pick out every single one. Nuts and seeds are fine on their own, I’ll even go as far as allowing nuts, seeds, and raisins to co-exist together in a nice hearty trail mix, but they are meant to be enjoyed separately. They are not a garnish, they are a snack food. If I find them in my salad, I’m gonna be pissed.

Another food that’s fine on its own, but should NEVER be coupled with anything else besides carrots in a simple cru d’ete, is celery. Celery does not belong in TUNA. At no point should tuna be CRUNCHY! That’s disgusting. Want to ruin a perfectly good stuffing? Put celery in it. You might as well add some nuts and raisins while you’re at it, because I’m not going to eat it. Not every food needs to have “texture”! This isn’t Top Chef! Michael Ciccarello is not judging you on your creativity and none of the above ingredients are part of a “Quick Fire Challenge”.

While we’re on the subject, the only proper way to serve onions is deep fried. Don’t go sneaking any onions into my tuna, either. But, most importantly, do NOT put onions in my enchilada. When enjoying a cheesy, gooey enchilada, smothered in red sauce, the last thing I want is to crunch down on a hard, raw piece of onion. Are you happy, now, because you just ruined my dinner?!? If you insist on adding onions to something, they should be cooked well enough as to be unrecognizable to the human eye. Translucent, small, and indistinguishable from the food in which it has been added to. Any other method of onion adding is just plain WRONG.

Furthermore, as a general rule, don’t put cold, wet things on my sandwich. Maybe you haven’t noticed but bread is not good when it’s soggy. Just save the lettuce and tomato to make a nice side salad. Oh, and all you grill masters out there? Don’t even consider putting that ice cold vegetable crap on my hot juicy burger. I will cut you.

(Can you tell I’m on a diet?)

Posted in Because I Said So | Tagged: Carrots, Crunchy, Funny, Humor, Lettuce, Onions, Raisins, Salads, Saracasm, Tomatoes, Top Chef, Tuna | 2 Comments »

Water, Water Everywhere…

Posted by kimlno on September 2, 2009

THAR she blows!

So, yesterday evening, I was walking down the hallway to my bedroom when I heard a curious sound. With my supersonic aural tracking system (Jaime Sommers ain’t got nothing on me), I suspected the odd noise was emanating from my bathroom. Like anything unusual coming from the bathroom, be it sound or scent or sight, I was worried that whatever it was, it was also something BAD, potentially VERY BAD. I poked my head in and followed the hissing sound down and around to the back of my toilet. Like most people, I don’t like to get my head too close to the toilet, but, once I was already down there, I could see, and feel, that the floor was quite wet. Uh-oh. Images of Titanic, The Perfect Storm, and The Poseidon Adventure whizzed (no pun intended) through my mind. And, of course, it was at that moment that I realized…I had to pee.

Fully aware that every second spent locating the source of the sound was crucial, I got down on my hands and knees in front of the porcelain potty. Again, not my favorite position (I’d make a terrible bulimic). Bear in mind, my bathroom is small. Really small. Tiny, almost. Yet, it somehow manages to accommodate a bathtub/shower, a toilet and a sink/vanity, but there’s little- to-no wiggle room between the three. The commode is smack dab in the middle of the three, and I’d guesstimate there’s about 6” of space on either side. This makes seeing what’s going on down behind the toilet about as easy as…well, not pie, that’s for sure.

Armed with two big beach towels, one in each hand, to soak up the steadily growing pool of water surrounding the base of the toilet, I felt around for the source of the leak. Since there’s only one hose going from the wall to the toilet, I knew almost immediately that this was the hissing culprit. After feeling along the length of the pipe (oh, get your minds out of the gutter, sheesh!), the little geyser was located and I put my finger on it to stop the generous flow of water shooting out all over my hardwood floors.

Now, here’s where I was in a bit of a pickle. I couldn’t move for fear that the leak would quickly turn the wading pool I was kneeling in into a small lake. But, I desperately needed to stop the water flow somehow. I swapped hands, and with a mighty twist I managed to move the 35-year-old angle stop a whopping 3 cm. This, of course, was not enough to completely shut the water off, and my situation had not improved. Plus, now the angle stop was at an incredibly difficult slant and pretty much cemented into place. So, I yelled for back-up.

When disaster strikes, I automatically go into “Emergency Mode”. Maybe I’ve watched too many episodes of Emergency! or maybe it has something to do with the fact that I used to be a Lifeguard and I’ve been taking CPR classes on a regular basis since I was old enough to say “Resusci-Annie”. Sure, no one’s life was at stake, but my home, specifically, my toilet, was in danger, so I took charge.

Unfortunately for her, my mom was the first person on the scene. I quickly gave her the run-down of the situation and instructed her to call a plumber IMMEDIATELY. Then, I needed a wrench, more towels, a bucket and some pipe thread tape. She returned with the items (well…sort of, she had no idea what pipe thread tape was, the bucket she brought was ALTOGETHER too large and she brought me some pliers instead of a wrench), but, much to my dismay…she did not call a plumber. Instead, my mom went next door to get our 76-year-old neighbor (NOT a plumber, by the way) to see if she (yes, SHE) could be of any assistance. Does anyone else see that this was perhaps not the best course of action?!?

Trying my best not to scream and throttle, I explained the dire emergency to my neighbor, and she proceeded to get down on all fours to assess the situation herself. I don’t have to tell you that she found nothing I hadn’t already, and was ultimately unsuccessful at even budging the angle stop any further into the “off” position. *SIGH* Again, I asked my mom to call a plumber, and this time she finally conceded. Note that at least 45 minutes had elapsed, and water was still spewing all over my bathroom. I’d managed to swap out the soaking wet towels with dry ones, and place a small pot under the leaky pipe, but it would’ve been SO much more helpful had my mother called the plumber the first time I asked. To say that I was irritated would’ve been the understatement of the year.

Many, many towels later and several completely futile attempts at sealing the hole in the pipe (if only I’d had some duct tape!) help finally arrived. With one swift twist of the angle stop, Mike the plumber (my hero) shut off the water supply and the leak ceased to be a problem. Sure, he charged me $77 bucks to turn a knob, but it was a small price to pay for my sanity. Plus, he was kind of cute (really, and no butt-crack either). After Mike left, I made sure that every extraneous drop of water was sopped up, and began the long, arduous process of wringing out the 17 soaking wet towels that had amassed in my tub. I felt a little like Laura Ingalls, doing the “warsh” in the “crick” (man, that had to suck).

All the while, I still had to pee.

Posted in Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: FML, Funny, Humor, Plumber, Toilet, Towel, Water | Leave a Comment »

Kimology

Posted by kimlno on June 25, 2009

Editor’s Note: This is a Facebook meme sent to me by my friend, Maggie. It was rather enlightening, so I decided to share it with all of you. I hope you enjoy it.

***********FOODOLOGY***************

1. What is your salad dressing of choice?
Blue cheese with extra blue cheese crumbles.

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Sit-down restaurant? What is this, 1940? Who wrote this quiz, Betty Crocker? Okay, enough of my smart mouth…um, that’s a hard question. I like a LOT of very different restaurants. The Yardhouse in Honolulu.

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
If I’m feeling carnivorous, pepperoni, hot Italian sausage and black olives.
If I’m feeling wistful, an all-time, can’t-go-wrong favorite, pepperoni.
But I will never turn down a slice of plain cheese pizza.

5.What do you like to put on your toast?
Butter (melted, or well-spread…no chunks *gag*) and strawberry (or raspberry) jam.

6. Any vegetables you don’t like?
A fajita is my nightmare, too, Maggie. See? I KNEW there was a reason I liked you so much. ;o)
Other veggie no-nos include broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, asparagus, any form of onion, any shade of bell pepper, and cabbage of any kind.
It might’ve been simpler to list just the veggies I DO like. ;o)

7. Do you eat seafood?
Yes, and I would eat it for every meal if I could. It’s just another reason on the long list of why I would make the perfect mermaid.

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

1. How many televisions are in your house?
Three: one in the den (for those not born in the 70s that’s the “family room”) which is the plasma with all the bells and whistles and 700 cable channels and, my best friend, the DVR; one is in the living room but rarely sees any use aside from Jeopardy! on week nights, and even then, usually only regular Jeopardy! and not Double Jeopardy!, almost never Final Jeopardy!; and one tiny TV in my mom’s room that she never uses.

2. What color cell phone do you have?
Hot pink, baby.

3. How long would it take you to look up who invented the Rubber Band?
Less than 5 seconds. My search engine is a BEAST. (William H. Spencer of Alliance, Ohio on March 7, 1923, FYI.)

4. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has?
2.17 GHz (2170 MHz). Surprisingly, that took longer to find than who invented the rubber band. Go figure.

***************BIOLOGY******************

1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Righty.

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Oh yes, lots. Let’s see…my wisdom teeth, a disk (thank God I proofed this before posting, I had originally put “dick” instead of “disk” and that probably would’ve need some explaination…lol) in my cervical spine, my uterus and my cervix. I’m just like that guy in the game Operation, except my nose doesn’t light up.

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My boobs, every day. Damn Kernohan women.

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Not that I can remember. LOL. Oh, I crack myself up! But, seriously, yes. By anesthesia, by terra firma and once by my own mother’s voice (thanks, mom).

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Nah. I’m a planner for sure, but I hear that on that day, other people take over. Sounds good to me!

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Kimberly Wimberly. True story: My mom’s best friend growing up, who lived just down the street from her, was Patsy Wimberly. However, my mom never noticed the one-letter difference in our names until I pointed it out not too long ago. She swears it had absolutely nothing to do with her naming me Kimberly. Quite the uncanny coincidence if you ask me.

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Not for a $1000. Plus, even if I was offered more money, I probably couldn’t do it. My gag reflex is one of the best working reflexes in my whole body. Funny, you’d think I’d be thinner. Hmm.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
At least 10 pairs, but probably more. I am a beach bum at heart.

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A long time ago. Either it was for a speeding ticket or the time I turned left out of the Malibu Colony shopping center only because a truck was blocking my view of the No Left Turn sign. Stupid cop didn’t believe me, and gave me a ticket anyway. Prick.

3. Last person you talked to?
Myself.

4. Last person you hugged?
My mom.

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

1. Season?
I live in California. At the beach. We don’t have seasons. However, I prefer June Gloom to the Santa Anas, of that helps you.

2. Holiday?
Fourth of July. How could it BE any better? You got fireworks, and a parade, and hot dogs, and the Boston Pops playing Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture…no work, no school, and pretty much a license to be three sheets to the wind all day long. I freakin’ love this country.

3. Day of the week?
Sunday. Brunch. The Time’s crossword puzzle. All the good TV show finales. As long as you don’t drive anywhere, it’s by far the best day of the week.

4. Month?
November, but only because it’s my birthday and I love me some presents.

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

1. Missing someone?
Like you wouldn’t believe.

2. Mood?
Reflective, yet hopeful.

3. What are you listening to?
The *beep-beep-beep* of the bulldozer as it digs a new pool over at Pali. Irritating, yet totally worth it.

4. Watching?
Myself type these words.

***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

1. First place you went this morning?
Bathroom. Does anyone go anywhere else first?

2. What’s the last movie you saw?
Fired Up, which was unbelievably funny. If you got a kick out of Bring It On, you’ll love this. Excellent, rapid-fire dialog keeps this one entertaining to the very end. Sure to be classic lines include (but are not limited to):

Nick Brady: Bottomless breadsticks only keep you at the Olive Garden for so long, until at some point you look up and say ‘Why the hell am I at the Olive Garden with all these fat people?’

Brewster: [after he punches Rick] That was for the Crocs. You’re not an old lady gardening or a baby on the beach. OK? Now put on some shoes, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Nick Brady: [trying to talk his way out of football camp] So not only do I find out yesterday I’m adopted, the people I’ve been calling ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ are actually infertile impostors who bought me outside of a meth clinic in Cincinatti for two boxes of Sudafed, but I also get this news dropped on me: my birth father, Bruce, he needs a kidney and I’m the only match! And apparently Bruce needs it stat. Mhm, you need it stat, Bruce? HUH? Well maybe I needed a father stat, instead of this stay-at-home-dad who showers me with love every day of my life this goddamn spermless liar! So now I gotta be at Kaiser Permanente tomorrow at 6:00 am. I know. Bruce couldn’t even afford a real hospital. Managed care. It’s ironic, huh? He never managed to care for me.

Nick Brady: Mopey, I’m talking to you. You’ve been sitting out here staring into space for like two hours.
Shawn Colfax: [checks watch] It’s been five minutes.
Nick Brady: Really? That was five minutes? Wow, I guess I really do suck in bed.

Funny, no?

3. Do you smile often?
At least once a day.

***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1. Do you always answer your phone?
More like never.

2. It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Obviously someone I don’t know, because I don’t ‘do’ texting.

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be?
My eyes DO change color. I’m like a human mood ring.

4. Do you prefer cold or hot?
My theory is: you can only remove so much clothing, until you’re buck naked; however, you can always put more clothing on. So, I suppose ‘cold’ but, like Maggie, ‘California Cold’, not ‘Fargo, ND’ cold. I could never live in a place where you have to start your car by remote control so that it has ample time to warm up. Plus, the thought of being snowbound makes me panicky.

5. What’s your favorite gossip magazine?
People (because Jim was right, they ARE strange).

6. Have you ever had a pet fish?
I have, and his name was Charlie (odd coincidence, don’t you think Maggie?) He was the best fish ever. Brilliantly blue, boyishly handsome, he was smart as well as pretty. You may not believe this, but he was trained to recognize his owner’s voice. Now, Charlie is in that big fishbowl in the sky. I miss him.

8. What’s on your wish list for your birthday?
A man.

9. Can you do push ups?
It’s possible, but not probable.

10. Can you do a chin up?
Nope, and I never have been able to. Forget climbing a rope, either.

11. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Neither. I like to take each day, one day at a time (“so hold on tight we’ll muddle through”). No sense worrying about what the future brings, no sense wishing it would hurry up and get here, either.

NOTE: Before I finished this, Michael Jackson suddenly passed away at the very young age of 50. He had planned to start a world tour at the end of July. No one, not even the King of Pop, knows what the future has in store for us. No one. MJ will be greatly missed, even if he was a freak. You’d be, too, if you lived his life.

12. Do you have any saved texts?
I don’t understand. Is this question in English? By ‘texts’, do you mean books? If so, then yes.

13. Ever been in a car wreck?
Oh, sure. Lots. I even wrecked my best friend’s car once (love you, Pama!). I think I’m up to 5 wrecks, and if anyone else ever hits my car again, whether it’s in motion or not, I am giving up my driving privileges forever, because, clearly, somebody wants me dead.

14. Do you have an accent?
No, but I can. I often adopt a Southern Drawl or a British accent for no reason at all. Keeps people on their toes.

15. What is the last song to make you cry?
Stardust by Nat king Cole. Gets me every time when he sings, “Sometimes I wonder…why I spend…the LONELY NIIIIIIGHT…dreaming of a song…the melody…haunts my reverie…and I am once again…with you…when our love was new…and each kiss…an inspiration…BUT THAT was…lo-o-ong ago…and now my…consolation…is in the stardust…of a song.” Just KILLS ME.

16. Plans tonight?
Yes, but they are classified. Sorry. If I told you, then I’d have to kill you.

17. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Gosh, I hope so. Like Maggie, I would hate to think the worst has yet to come. Now there’s an awful notion.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
A bag of Pirate Booty, some Texas Toast, and a dude’s line about how wonderful I am.

19. Have you ever been given roses?
Yes, but I could always use some more.

20. Current worry?
Am I really a good writer, or is everyone just saying that to be nice?

21. Current hate right now?
I try not to hate, if at all possible. However, right now, I hate that my back is still spazzing out. Enough already.

22. Met someone who changed your life?
Oh, WOW. That’s a loaded question. I think I’ll take the ‘Matrix’ stance and say, I can’t be sure. Is the world full of people who we meet and get to know, or is this all some very vivid dream that exists only in my mind, and the people and things just extensions of my inner-self? So, are these people changing my life, or am I changing it myself? How would I know the difference? Mind-scrambling, isn’t it? Remember, there is no spoon.

23. How will you bring in the New Year?
In with the old, out with the new? Or is it the other way around? I can never remember.

24. What song represents you?
To my knowledge, no one has written a song about me. So, I would have to say none of them. Otherwise, that would be stealing someone else’s song. Right?

25. Name three people who might complete this?
Mieke, Julianna, David…at least, I hope they all do. I hope you ALL do, actually…otherwise, I wouldn’t have tagged you.

26. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Abso-frinken-lutely. Most especially, if I could change the past.

27. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Yes. All losers, to be sure, but the answer is still yes.

Posted in Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: Facebook, Funny, Humor, Life, Me, Truth | Leave a Comment »

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Kimopolis

My kind of town.

Mayor Of Kimopolis

Kimopolis News

Tags

Category Cloud

Recent Comments

Mayor’s Office

Kimopolis Visitors

Kimopolis Hall of Records

Kimopolis Calendar

Kimopolis Historical Archives

Subscribe to RSS

Subscribe By Email

Kimopolis Appreciation Fund

Other Sites To Visit

Copyright Information

Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Too

Raisins Ruin Everything

Water, Water Everywhere…

Kimology

SQUIRREL!