
Dr. Littleoldman as a garden gnome.
I went to see Dr. Littleoldman (aka Dr. Field, the alchemist) yesterday, and, as always, it was an adventure. He was quite pleased that my back problems have been completely alleviated, and that I’d dropped a few pounds to boot. Personally, I think it’s been all the sweating I’ve been doing this past week because of the damned heat. I am so OVER this hot thing. Bring back my marine layer already!
ANYifIlikedtheheatI’dliveintheValley, because Dr. Littleoldman is actually an old man, he told me a few of the same stories I heard the last time I was in the office. Let me give you a quick rundown of the tales I was treated to, m’kay?
The Lumberjacks of the Northwest Story:
In the 1900s, or there abouts (I’m not good with dates) big men cut down big trees with saws and whatnot and they worked up a mighty appetite. I picture Paul Bunyan at this point, if that helps you. Before heading out to work in the morning, the men would power down an astronomical amount of calories, somewhere in the 4000-6000 range (I am also not good with numbers, apparently). Then, ‘round lunchtime, they’d show up in the mess hall once again and eat another big ass meal. When they were through, more chopping. Eat. Chop. Repeat.
Well, eventually the wood-chopping season came to an end (I assume in winter, when the trees were too wet or too frozen to harvested), and the cooks in the mess hall knew this. So, for breakfast on that first wintery day they served only soup and a few sandwiches. The lumberjacks ate it, and didn’t complain. Lunch and dinner were similarly small in comparison to their usual feasts.
Here’s where Dr. Littleoldman decides to quiz me. I can only imagine he wants to test my powers of deduction or garner if I was even paying attention, but little does he know, he already told me this tale, so I already knew the answer. Ha. Ha. So, how could the lumberjacks survive from eating tens of thousands of calories a day, to only eating a few hundred? (Insert Jeopardy! theme music here.) Because they weren’t chopping down any trees! They didn’t NEED all those calories, and, the point being, their bodies learned to adapt.
Calories in = Calories out.
Now, it’s time for the Auschwitz saga. Again, I know this because Dr. Littleoldman told me practically the same story last time.
Survivors of the Nazi Concentration Camps:
How come some concentration camp survivors lived, while others died and both only consumed about 200 calories per day? Easy. The “Starvation Gene”. Essentially, when calorie intake is below 600 per day, those of us lucky souls who still have this ancient remnant gene, well, our bodies simply refuse to burn those last few calories and store them as fat. So, in the off chance we don’t eat for a few days, we can “live off the fat off the land”, as it were. Oh, happy day. The others who aren’t lucky enough to have this gene (and probably have a high metabolism and can eat whatever they want without gaining an ounce)? Well, they died.
“Starvation Gene” = Fat Storage
Since Dr. Littleoldman is Jewish and has close relatives who survived the camps, he is actual living proof of the “Starvation Gene” in action. He only eats 600 a day. Every day. And he’s at least 80-years-old and in better shape than you or I. Oh, and get this, he HATES exercise. So, he doesn’t. Now, as he would be the first to point out, every individual body is different. This is simply a diet that works for him. And you know what? He’s happy. Always. I have never seen the man without a smile on his sweet, Santa Claus/Garden Gnome face.

Dr. ManI'mtooskinny is actually thinner and meaner than Dr. Cristina Yang (pictured here).
Do you know who rarely smiles? My previous doctor, Dr. ManI’mtooskinny. Dr. ManI’mtooskinny (aka Dr. Ma) is a very slight, waifishly thin Asian woman in her late 30s (or so I’d guess). She works out and eats healthy, but she’s never in a good mood. Envision Dr. Cristina Yang on “Grey’s Anatomy” and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what Dr. ManI’mtooskinny is like. She and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of subjects, mostly my weight. She believes, and many would say she is also correct, that all of my problems are directly related to the extra baggage I tote with me everywhere I go. My back hurts, it’s because I’m fat. I have a headache, it’s because I’m fat. I’m depressed, it’s because I’m fat. She’s like a broken record. One of the reasons I stopped seeing her is because I already knew what her diagnosis would be. I mean, why bother? It’s not her fault, though, it’s just the kind of doctor she was trained to be (a UCLA HMO drone with a penchant for prescribing Vicodin).
Dr. Littleoldman, on the other hand, is quick to point out that my weight isn’t keeping me from living the life I want to live. In fact, I’m healthy as an ox. I don’t have high blood pressure. I don’t have diabetes. I don’t have heart disease. For all intents and purposes, I am in the pink. Now, that being said, there’s no guarantee that I won’t develop some, or all, of those health problems in the future, and being overweight is a contributing factor to each and every one. However, every body is different. Different enough to laugh in the face of physics and millions of scientific studies? Well, yes. Dr. Littleoldman had one more tale to tell to help illustrate this very point, and it was surprisingly one I hadn’t heard before (thank god).
Swimming the Catalina Channel:
In 1927, Mr. Wrigley (of chewing gum fame) sponsored a channel swim, from San Pedro to Catalina Island, with various large sums of money to go to the winner and runners-up. One of the swimmers was a woman (whose name escapes me…yes, I am not good with names, either) who made it almost all the way to Catalina, but stopped short with only one mile to go. As it turns out, during her swim she’d lost over 30 pounds in a little over one day. When she reached her stopping point, her body had simply run out of fuel. So, sometime later she decided to try again. Before she went this time, she packed on 40 pounds to sustain her on her long journey. And that time, she made it. She also lost the extra 40 pounds in the time it took her to complete the swim.
Fat = Fuel.
So, what have we learned today class?
- Calories in = Calories out
- “Starvation Gene” = Stored Fat
- Fat = Fuel
But what does that MEAN, Kim? It means anyway you look at it, I’m SCREWED.
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