See? Pretty.
Do you know what I have absolutely no use for? Candy canes.
Oh, I know that’s rather Grinch-like of me, but a co-worker gave me one this morning, and, as thoughtful as it was, I have no idea what to do with it. I mean, it’s a perfectly nice candy cane, as candy canes go…a real sized one, not those hinky “fun” sized canes which might as well just be a freakin’ mint because technically you can pop the whole thing into your mouth at once. Because, really, aren’t those round red and white striped mints they give you with the check after dinner just “fun” sized candy canes rolled into a ball and smushed? Think about it. They taste the same. Same colors. Same swirl. I have an inkling that every after dinner mint starts out as a “fun” sized candy cane, but after Christmas, the ones who’ve survived being crushed or completely pulverized into a fine minty dust, are recalled, reconstituted, and resold as peppermints. Perhaps not, but I guarantee you the candy cane people are in cahoots with the dinner mint people, so I wouldn’t put it past them. I mean, it’s not like the candy gets stale or anything. In fact, I’m pretty sure the peppermint has a half-life of about 85 years, give or take. It seems to me that no matter how long one of those things has been in the pocket of my winter coat (why is there always one in there anyway?), it still has all the same properties of a “fresh” mint. I can’t go so far as to say they taste good, and that’s exactly my problem with the candy cane itself, but an old peppermint is almost indistinguishable from a new one. You may not agree, but I bet in a blind taste test you wouldn’t be able to tell which one was which. Whoops. TANGENT. Sorry.
I want to be clear that I’m NOT a candy cane “hater”. Aesthetically, I think they’re very pleasing. They evoke a sentimental feeling of Christmas, and to be fair, Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without candy canes. I just don’t want to eat one. Ever. I honestly can’t think of a situation in which I’d be so desperate to actually consume a candy cane. Perhaps if I was stuck in a snow drift and the only thing between starving to death and clinging to life while I waited for my number one fan to come find me and dig me out was to eat a candy cane, I might eat one then. But, in general, candy canes are just plain disappointing. They’re a far better decoration than a food.
So, if you’re thinking of handing out candy canes this Christmas, ask yourself this first…would you want one?
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