The plunger is mightier than the sword.
I am not a patient person (although, oddly enough, I am a HUGE procrastinator…go figure). So when I don’t see immediate results, I can get a little irritated. Such was the case last night when, for no apparent reason, my toilet clogged. Now, bear in mind, my commode is over 30 years old, so it’s not exactly what you’d call “high tech”. You know that Kohler commercial where the horny guy is flushing everything but the kitchen sink down his toilet so that the pretty lady plumber (like THEY exist) will have a reason to visit? Yeah, mine can’t do that. It can barely handle two-ply tissue. Quilted TP? I might as well try to flush a hand towel down the drain.
It should come as no surprise to you that I am well acquainted with my plunger. In fact, I recently purchased a new one because I wore the old one out. No lie. The rubber vulcanized (or whatever chemical process was involved) into an inflexible solid that rendered it completely useless. Of course I didn’t find out this extremely pertinent information until I needed to use it. That was a pisser (no pun intended). Why is it that I seem to discover that my plunger doesn’t work in the middle of the night when everything is closed? Or, am I just lucky like that?
Well, last night my clogged toilet literally drove me to drink. As my first 10-20 plunging attempts were unsuccessful, I took a much needed breather and watched a little Glee. I can’t say I enjoyed the show as much as usual, because in the back of my mind, I knew the stubborn toilet waited. So, during the commercial breaks, I schlepped back into the bathroom for another round of “The Plunger in the Toilet Goes Up and Down”. Somewhere during round 3 or 4, I started to cry. I was way passed irritated and on my way to madness when the “Plunging Chronicles” stretched into the second hour of battle. If I were churning cream, I’d have had butter by now.
Desperation set in, and I began to doubt my plunging abilities. Was I doing it wrong? Was there some secret plunging technique I wasn’t aware of? So, I did what any logical person driven to the point of insanity would do. I checked the internet. Yes, last night, around 11:30, I Googled “how to plunge a toilet”. I think that’s a new low for me. Not surprisingly, there were a plethora of sites to choose from. I visited three separate pages, reading their directions carefully, searching for the secret solution to my problem. Y’know what? I was doing it correctly. There’s no secret. I just had to keep on plunging. That’s when I poured my first glass of wine.
After two more, I ventured once again into my bathroom to confront the beast. I made sure the plunger was perpendicular to the toilet, that no air bubbles were trapped in it, and that it fit securely around the drain. I plunged down slowly, then up quickly, and prayed. My hands were red and raw. My shoulders ached. My back screamed, “Oh, please don’t bend over again!” And, in a moment I can only compare to sheer ecstasy, the toilet drained. Halle-fuckin’-lujah.
Then I finished another bottle of wine to calm my frayed nerves and went to bed. Kim-1, Toilet-0.
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