Kimopolis

Sometimes I forget just how totally awesome the ‘80s were. Then, I stumble across something that is so indicative of the decade, so radically tubular, like…so tripendicular, it just blows my mind. Fer sure. Today, I found this little gem, and it so totally rocked my world, I just had to share it with you.

I don’t know how I missed jumping on the Billy Squier bandwagon, but it was probably because I was listening to A-ha or Wang Chung instead (like, “Dance Hall Days” was a totally bitchin’ song, dude). To prove how little I knew about Billy, I thought he was Canadian. Turns out he’s from Boston. Eh, same difference. For some reason I just lumped him in with other great Canadian rock bands (there’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one) like Loverboy and Triumph.

ANYthousandsofRushfanssendingmehatemail (ARE there thousands of Rush fans?), this video for “Rock Me Tonite” is probably the worst video catastrophe since “Separate Ways” by Journey. However, this was choreographed (and I use that term VERY loosely) by Kenny Ortega (of Xanadu and Dirty Dancing fame). Um, okay…if you say so. I kinda thought he was having a seizure most of the time.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

As the video begins, Billy is in bed, rolling around on his satin sheets. Ew, gag me with a spoon.

Are his armpits SHAVED?

Next, Squier puts on a shirt. This is no ordinary shirt. In fact, it’s so extraordinary, I can’t even describe it.  It’s like sleeveless, but still manages to have one piece of a sleeve…you just have to see it to believe it.

The shirt that shall not be named.

Billy gets so pumped by his own singing that he rips off his indescribable shirt a la the Incredible Hulk. Who knew he had such upper body strength? Must be from all that “guitar” stroking. (For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Squier’s musical catalog, “The Stroke” is another one of his “hits”.)

Well, that shirt's ruined.

Because he’s actually very modest, Billy busts out shirt numero dos. This was obviously his girlfriend’s top that she left on the floor the night before, because, people, I OWNED that shirt in Junior High. No lie. But, even my shirt wasn’t as GAY as Billy’s. I mean, mine wasn’t Love’s Baby Soft Pink, for crying out loud.

Billy's shirt.

My shirt.

But, wait. If you thought the pink shirt was femme, wait until he straps on his matching guitar. What kind of MAN has a pink guitar?!?

Oh, look. He added a jaunty neckerchief to his ensemble. Cute!

Okay, I’ve avoided the subject long enough. We NEED to discuss Mr. Squier’s, ahem, “dancing”. This guy make’s Elaine from Seinfeld look like Baryshnikov. I didn’t know someone could dance so poorly who wasn’t handi-capable. It’s just so BAD. Honestly, he looks like he has a severe palsy or a twitch or something. I imagine it resembles what Michael J. Fox dancing would look like (going straight to Hell). That being said, I wonder when Dancing with the Stars is going to book Billy? Or Michael, for that matter. (Hey, it couldn’t be any worse than watching Tom DeLay, okay?) Regardless, no screen capture could possibly due justice to Squier’s moves, but this one comes close.

Richard Simmons, is that you?

Oh, wait. I almost forgot. The band makes an appearance at the end. Oh, dear. Talk about a motley crew. Allow me to introduce…

The Keyboard Player.

I feel like he's raping me with his eyes.

The Bass Player.

I think this dude did time.

The Guitar Player.

Obviously, this guy thinks he's in A-ha.

The Drummer.

I know for a fact this doofus stole his outfit from the lead singer of Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…Billy Squier and his band.

Are we SURE they're not Canadian?

P.S.
He DOES shave his pits!

This image will stay with me forever.