It’s A Dead Man’s Party
Posted by kimlno on October 20, 2009
It’s almost Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year. Not just because everywhere you go there’s free candy, or because it’s the one night of the year you can dress like a cheap whore and nobody cares, but because it’s the best time for spooky television. Late night viewing during the month of October is a dicey decision. There might be a movie airing that will scare you so badly that the thought of turning out the light and going to bed has you frozen with fear, curled up into the fetal position on the couch, and hoping that the power doesn’t decide to go out. How do I know this? Because that was me after finding The Omen (the original, none of that remake baloney) on some random cable channel last night. I don’t know what it is exactly about horror movies made in the ‘70s, but they totally freak me out. The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, Alice, Sweet Alice…all of them frighteningly creepy in their own special way. Maybe because they all shared that eerie, evil children singing soundtrack to contrast the gruesome images. Here’s a perfect example of what I’m referring to:
Freaky, huh?
However, the only thing scarier than contrived horror is real horror. As it turns out, actual murders, and their perpetrators, are far more disturbing and twisted than anything Hollywood could ever produce. And when it comes to documentaries about murder and mayhem, nobody does it better than HBO’s Autopsy. Why? I’m so glad you asked…
Ten Reasons Why HBO’s Autopsy is the Best Documentary Series Ever Made:
- The Female Narrator. Marlene Sanders is like the Crypt Keeper of documentary specials. Every time I hear her voice, a chill runs down my spine, because I know she’s going to tell a spooky tale of mysterious death. She’s the best…and she haunts my dreams.
- Dr. Michael Baden. Although Dr. Baden was a key witness for the defense in the OJ Simpson trial, I have forgiven him because he is King of Autopsies. There is no crime he cannot solve if given access to human remains. Plus, he’s pretty scary looking. Coupled with eerie narrator lady, Autopsy will scare the bejesus out of you.
Dr. Baden will autopsy the HELL out of you.
- Real Dead Bodies. None of this fake CSI crap. These cadavers are authentic (and either unsettlingly fresh, or decrepitly old and rotten). Naked corpses? No problem. Horribly maimed and mutilated corporeal remains? Sure! Extreme close-ups of unsavory images of butchered flesh? You betcha. It’s not a show for the faint of heart, to be sure.
- Crimes Solved in Minutes. Each episode is about hour, and in that hour, they solve at least four or five unsolved crimes. It’s like all those prime time TV forensic crime scene shows, but pared down to the essential 10 minutes. Plus, no commercials.
- Free Tips on Murder. Ever wondered how to kill someone and get away with it? Autopsy is like a “How To” guide for do-it-yourself murderers. Sure, the criminals on the show got caught, but unless you live in a major US city with an awesomely dedicated and well-equipped crime lab, chances are you can get away with murder. Did you know that anti-freeze tastes sweet and delicious? Just add enough to your husband’s orange juice in the morning and he’ll be dead by lunch. (Chances are that sharing that particular information isn’t going to attract a lot of suitors. Oh, well.)
- The Theme Music. Just like hearing Marlene Sanders voice, the music for Autopsy is equally chilling. Personally, I can’t hear it and not think of cadavers.
- Actual Crime Footage. No actors need apply to be on Autopsy. Only actual victims and genuine crime scene footage is used. None of that re-enactment crap. We’re talking 100% real, unedited police interrogations, court hearings, and bona fide criminals.
- Blood and Gore. And lots of it.
- The Typewriter Titles. There’s something about the sound of a typewriter. I probably watched too many episodes of The People’s Court when I was younger, but, to me, that sound of the keys, spelling out one word at a time…it sounds like justice.
- Write to Dr. Baden. Have an unsolved death on your hands? No fear. Dr. Baden to the rescue. I kid you not, there’s a link on their webpage to contact the King of Autopsies should you need his services. If you’re story is good enough (and he can actually provide an explanation for the unnatural death of your loved one), it might even be featured in a segment on the actual show. I mean, barring the fact that you might possibly be implicated in the murder of a friend or family member, how cool is that? Note: Real murders should not submit their crimes just to see how good Dr. Baden is. He will figure out how you did it and you will go to prison. Believe me, I’ve seen all 11 episodes. I know.
For more information on HBO’s Autopsy, including an episode guide, click HERE. If you cross-reference the episode guide with YouTube, pretty much every case is available for your viewing pleasure. I was going to link one to this article, but decided against it when I was reminded of how gruesome and gory most of the episodes are. Feel free to check them out for yourself, but remember…I warned you. BWAHAHAHAHA!
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