Kimopolis

My kind of town.

Archive for October, 2009

Rock Me Tonite

Posted by kimlno on October 30, 2009

Sometimes I forget just how totally awesome the ‘80s were. Then, I stumble across something that is so indicative of the decade, so radically tubular, like…so tripendicular, it just blows my mind. Fer sure. Today, I found this little gem, and it so totally rocked my world, I just had to share it with you.

I don’t know how I missed jumping on the Billy Squier bandwagon, but it was probably because I was listening to A-ha or Wang Chung instead (like, “Dance Hall Days” was a totally bitchin’ song, dude). To prove how little I knew about Billy, I thought he was Canadian. Turns out he’s from Boston. Eh, same difference. For some reason I just lumped him in with other great Canadian rock bands (there’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one) like Loverboy and Triumph.

ANYthousandsofRushfanssendingmehatemail (ARE there thousands of Rush fans?), this video for “Rock Me Tonite” is probably the worst video catastrophe since “Separate Ways” by Journey. However, this was choreographed (and I use that term VERY loosely) by Kenny Ortega (of Xanadu and Dirty Dancing fame). Um, okay…if you say so. I kinda thought he was having a seizure most of the time.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

As the video begins, Billy is in bed, rolling around on his satin sheets. Ew, gag me with a spoon.

Are his armpits SHAVED?

Are his armpits SHAVED?

Next, Squier puts on a shirt. This is no ordinary shirt. In fact, it’s so extraordinary, I can’t even describe it.  It’s like sleeveless, but still manages to have one piece of a sleeve…you just have to see it to believe it.

BS1

The shirt that shall not be named.

Billy gets so pumped by his own singing that he rips off his indescribable shirt a la the Incredible Hulk. Who knew he had such upper body strength? Must be from all that “guitar” stroking. (For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Squier’s musical catalog, “The Stroke” is another one of his “hits”.)

BS2

Well, that shirt's ruined.

Because he’s actually very modest, Billy busts out shirt numero dos. This was obviously his girlfriend’s top that she left on the floor the night before, because, people, I OWNED that shirt in Junior High. No lie. But, even my shirt wasn’t as GAY as Billy’s. I mean, mine wasn’t Love’s Baby Soft Pink, for crying out loud.

BS3

Billy's shirt.

Me 80s BS

My shirt.

But, wait. If you thought the pink shirt was femme, wait until he straps on his matching guitar. What kind of MAN has a pink guitar?!?

BS5

Oh, look. He added a jaunty neckerchief to his ensemble. Cute!

Okay, I’ve avoided the subject long enough. We NEED to discuss Mr. Squier’s, ahem, “dancing”. This guy make’s Elaine from Seinfeld look like Baryshnikov. I didn’t know someone could dance so poorly who wasn’t handi-capable. It’s just so BAD. Honestly, he looks like he has a severe palsy or a twitch or something. I imagine it resembles what Michael J. Fox dancing would look like (going straight to Hell). That being said, I wonder when Dancing with the Stars is going to book Billy? Or Michael, for that matter. (Hey, it couldn’t be any worse than watching Tom DeLay, okay?) Regardless, no screen capture could possibly due justice to Squier’s moves, but this one comes close.

BS Dances

Richard Simmons, is that you?

Oh, wait. I almost forgot. The band makes an appearance at the end. Oh, dear. Talk about a motley crew. Allow me to introduce…

The Keyboard Player.

BS Keyboards

I feel like he's raping me with his eyes.

The Bass Player.

BS Bassist

I think this dude did time.

The Guitar Player.

BS aha

Obviously, this guy thinks he's in A-ha.

The Drummer.

BS Drummer

I know for a fact this doofus stole his outfit from the lead singer of Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…Billy Squier and his band.

Band

Are we SURE they're not Canadian?

P.S.
He DOES shave his pits!

BS Pits

This image will stay with me forever.

Posted in Scarred For Life, Sharing Is Caring | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

It’s A Dead Man’s Party

Posted by kimlno on October 20, 2009

It’s almost Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year. Not just because everywhere you go there’s free candy, or because it’s the one night of the year you can dress like a cheap whore and nobody cares, but because it’s the best time for spooky television. Late night viewing during the month of October is a dicey decision. There might be a movie airing that will scare you so badly that the thought of turning out the light and going to bed has you frozen with fear, curled up into the fetal position on the couch, and hoping that the power doesn’t decide to go out. How do I know this? Because that was me after finding The Omen (the original, none of that remake baloney) on some random cable channel last night. I don’t know what it is exactly about horror movies made in the ‘70s, but they totally freak me out. The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, Alice, Sweet Alice…all of them frighteningly creepy in their own special way. Maybe because they all shared that eerie, evil children singing soundtrack to contrast the gruesome images. Here’s a perfect example of what I’m referring to:

Freaky, huh?

However, the only thing scarier than contrived horror is real horror. As it turns out, actual murders, and their perpetrators, are far more disturbing and twisted than anything Hollywood could ever produce. And when it comes to documentaries about murder and mayhem, nobody does it better than HBO’s Autopsy. Why? I’m so glad you asked…

Ten Reasons Why HBO’s Autopsy is the Best Documentary Series Ever Made:

  1. The Female Narrator. Marlene Sanders is like the Crypt Keeper of documentary specials. Every time I hear her voice, a chill runs down my spine, because I know she’s going to tell a spooky tale of mysterious death. She’s the best…and she haunts my dreams.
  2. Dr. Michael Baden. Although Dr. Baden was a key witness for the defense in the OJ Simpson trial, I have forgiven him because he is King of Autopsies. There is no crime he cannot solve if given access to human remains. Plus, he’s pretty scary looking. Coupled with eerie narrator lady, Autopsy will scare the bejesus out of you.

    Dr. Baden will autopsy the HELL out of you.

    Dr. Baden will autopsy the HELL out of you.

  3. Real Dead Bodies. None of this fake CSI crap. These cadavers are authentic (and either unsettlingly fresh, or decrepitly old and rotten). Naked corpses? No problem. Horribly maimed and mutilated corporeal remains? Sure! Extreme close-ups of unsavory images of butchered flesh? You betcha. It’s not a show for the faint of heart, to be sure.
  4. Crimes Solved in Minutes. Each episode is about hour, and in that hour, they solve at least four or five unsolved crimes. It’s like all those prime time TV forensic crime scene shows, but pared down to the essential 10 minutes. Plus, no commercials.
  5. Free Tips on Murder. Ever wondered how to kill someone and get away with it? Autopsy is like a “How To” guide for do-it-yourself murderers. Sure, the criminals on the show got caught, but unless you live in a major US city with an awesomely dedicated and well-equipped crime lab, chances are you can get away with murder. Did you know that anti-freeze tastes sweet and delicious? Just add enough to your husband’s orange juice in the morning and he’ll be dead by lunch. (Chances are that sharing that particular information isn’t going to attract a lot of suitors. Oh, well.)
  6. The Theme Music. Just like hearing Marlene Sanders voice, the music for Autopsy is equally chilling. Personally, I can’t hear it and not think of cadavers.
  7. Actual Crime Footage. No actors need apply to be on Autopsy. Only actual victims and genuine crime scene footage is used. None of that re-enactment crap. We’re talking 100% real, unedited police interrogations, court hearings, and bona fide criminals.
  8. Blood and Gore. And lots of it.
  9. The Typewriter Titles. There’s something about the sound of a typewriter. I probably watched too many episodes of The People’s Court when I was younger, but, to me, that sound of the keys, spelling out one word at a time…it sounds like justice.
  10. Write to Dr. Baden. Have an unsolved death on your hands? No fear. Dr. Baden to the rescue. I kid you not, there’s a link on their webpage to contact the King of Autopsies should you need his services. If you’re story is good enough (and he can actually provide an explanation for the unnatural death of your loved one), it might even be featured in a segment on the actual show.  I mean, barring the fact that you might possibly be implicated in the murder of a friend or family member, how cool is that? Note: Real murders should not submit their crimes just to see how good Dr. Baden is. He will figure out how you did it and you will go to prison. Believe me, I’ve seen all 11 episodes. I know.

For more information on HBO’s Autopsy, including an episode guide, click HERE. If you cross-reference the episode guide with YouTube, pretty much every case is available for your viewing pleasure. I was going to link one to this article, but decided against it when I was reminded of how gruesome and gory most of the episodes are. Feel free to check them out for yourself, but remember…I warned you. BWAHAHAHAHA!

Share: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | StumbleUpon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Newsvine | Permalink

Posted in Scarred For Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Too

Posted by kimlno on October 7, 2009

If you see this man, RUN.

If you see this man, RUN.

It’s been a couple of years since I read I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by the infamous cad Tucker Max, but I still remember it as being one of the funniest books I’ve ever read. For those of you who don’t have any idea who I’m talking about, allow me to fill you in. Tucker Max wrote a memoir about all of his most depraved sexual exploits and cringe-worthy asshole behavior and he makes no apologies for being brutally honest and happy to share. (Kinda like me, huh?)

Maybe at the time I read his book, I’d overdosed on Chick Lit and his unabashed misogynistic tales were just the antidote I needed to snap me out of my “Someday My Prince Will Come” fantasy land. Maybe I liked it because I’ve actually known guys that think and act like Tucker, and to read of the countless women who fell for his shtick over and over again made me feel less sorry for myself and more thankful that I’d never sunk that low. Believe me, you’ve got to have some serious issues if you actively seek out Tucker Max and actually want him to sleep with you. Because, even before he wrote the book, Tucker kept a popular blog that detailed his predatory actions and made no effort whatsoever to conceal his “devil may care” attitude about sex with strangers and some really strange strangers, at that. (One word: Midgets.)

So, it still surprises me to no end the amount of vitriol most women feel towards this guy. They not only hate him, they think he should die, and wish horrible things upon him. Why? Sure, he’s a dick, but at least he’s being truthful about who he is. It’s not like any female nowadays could possibly accidentally have sex with this guy. Personally, if you’re so uninformed as to not know who he is prior to meeting him, Tucker in real life makes no effort to hide his ultimate “King of the Asshats” status. Believe me, if you met this dude at a bar, it would be blatantly apparent that he’s a womanizer, a dick, and probably just wants to bed you so that he can have another sordid story to add to the hundreds of others. He’s a total prick who wears it on his sleeve.

Don’t get me wrong. In no way am I commending this guy for his complete disregard for human feelings. Tucker Max is just plain wrong and really has no redeeming qualities. Nonetheless, his stories are priceless. And any woman who doesn’t think so obviously has been fooled by a man just like him (if not actually him). To me, their bitterness stems from an inner self-loathing that they let themselves fall for, or at least have sex with, a complete dickhead. Hey, ladies…it happens to the best of us. Instead of blaming Tucker for society’s ills, why not thank him for giving us a window into the hearts of (some) men? He does us all a favor by detailing the tell-tale signs of what a guy like Tucker acts like, a list of probable places to find such a guy, and even how to avoid becoming “that” girl.

Tucker Max, I just want to thank you. For making me laugh. For making me see how silly and narrow-minded certain women can be. But most of all, for giving me the tools to never fall prey to an A-Class Tool, such as you. Keep up the good work.

Share: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | StumbleUpon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Newsvine | Permalink

Posted in Because I Said So | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Stupid Cupid

Posted by kimlno on October 3, 2009

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I’ve signed up at OkCupid.com to subject myself to completely unsubstantiated criticism by a whole host of men I’ll probably never meet. I know, I know. I’ve tried the whole internet dating thing before, and it didn’t end well (see: Worst. Date. Ever.). So, what makes me think this time will be any different? Um, desperation? Loneliness? Boredom? Heck, I don’t know. But things haven’t changed much. Are people still afraid to reveal themselves accurately on their profiles? Yes. Are the majority of the guys not even worth a quick skimming of their profile? Yes. Do I really think I can find a worthy adversary on the internet? Maybe. Perhaps there’s the male equivalent of myself out there who’s thinking all the same things, and by luck, he happens to like the way I look and can at least appreciate the way I think. Well, it could happen! Point being, I won’t know unless I try.

So, I figured no sense in pussyfooting around, might as well jump in with both feet and not only did I fill out my profile AND post pictures, I sent out a couple of messages to test the waters. Know what? Those bastards didn’t even have the courtesy to write me back. You know you’re not going to hear from someone when you emailed them 6 hours ago and yet their status says, “I’m online now!” Yeah, you’re online now and you’re blatantly ignoring the fact that I took the time to compose a witty and interesting message specifically written for you. You DICK. See? This is why I’m no good at the internet thing…I need more concrete feedback than just you’re online now and you’ve not responded to my note so you must not be interested. I hate assuming (it makes an ass out of you and me, don’t you know?). My imagination is FAR too active to be left to its own devices.

And then, as I was writing this, I received the following email from OkCupid:

KimLNo: hello, good news.

Your login name:

 KimLNo

Your personality:

 really great

How bad OkCupid guys want you:

 so bad

Your profile, as of 8 milliseconds ago:

 approved!

What now?


 Since you’re single and female, we think you’ll like our matching system. There’s no pressure and it’s like one massive game of Q & A with millions of strangers at once. Try it!
Half-Cocked

Half-Cocked

By the way, the fact that you scored Half-Cocked on the OkCupid Test has caused a certain amount of automated commotion in our software. Nicely done.

–OkCupid

GREAT. Apparently they only JUST approved my profile, so all this conjecture was for not. Up until a few moments ago, no one could even SEE my profile. So, disregard everything I wrote above (most especially if I called you a bastard). I’m going to give it a few more days and see if things change for the better. However, if nothing else, the OkCupid software thinks I’m hot. Yeah, so I’ve got that going for me. Too bad I don’t want to date a COMPUTER.*

*Speaking of dating a computer, do you remember that ‘80s movie Electric Dreams with Virginia Madsen? Well, in the film, a computer falls in love with her after hearing her play beautiful music on her cello. I know, totally farfetched, especially for the early ‘80s when computers weren’t much more than glorified typewriters. But still, that’s the first thing that popped into my head when I read that a piece of software thinks I’m a good catch. Here’s the original trailer for the film which sums it up quite well. Enjoy!

Share: Facebook | Digg | Del.icio.us | StumbleUpon | Reddit | Blinklist | Twitter | Technorati | Newsvine | Permalink

Posted in Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »