Kimopolis

What's not to love?

The other night I went out to dinner with my dear friend, Brooke. As the conversation usually does, it eventually turns to the topic of our love lives. Or, more accurately, our “loveless” lives. Here we are, two attractive, intelligent, witty, engaging, and altogether charming ladies and yet neither one of us has a husband or a long-term boyfriend, or even a date. There we were, on a Saturday night, out together at Souplantation like a couple of old biddies who, between them, have over 400 cats.*

And we’re not alone.

Yesterday, I was checking my Facebook page, and another one of my girlfriends mentioned something about tossing another loser into the boyfriend junk heap. And she was answered with replies from two OTHER friends of mine who are also single and around the same age. What the hell?

I know all you men out there are thinking, “You all must be fat or ugly.” Not so. In fact, the five of us are completely different types of women, all in varying ranges of height, weight, size, looks, and personality. But every single one of us is brilliant, beautiful and funny. You’d think at least ONE of us would be able to find a decent man, but…you’d be wrong.

All the men I meet are either married or in a committed relationship. The one or two single guys I’ve come across recently are single for a reason. They are unattractive or creepy or live at home. I refuse to date a man who, at any time, makes me feel as if he just might chop me up into little pieces and keep me in his freezer. Or worse, they’re good-looking but don’t want a “girlfriend” and are all too happy to keep playing the field. Or, the most dreaded of all, they tell you how beautiful and wonderful you are, and then you find out that they’re married. If you’re married, then WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?!?

I’ve tried internet dating, and it sucks. I’ve tried “speed dating” and that sucks even more. I’ve tried dating the guy I find less then attractive, but that never works. I’ve tried meeting guys in the places I frequent, local shops, the car wash, the waiting room of my therapist’s office, but no one seems even remotely interested. They can’t ALL be gay. I’ve even tried NOT trying, and that didn’t work either. I am seriously running out of options.

So, what’s a 30-something (*cough* almost 40 *cough*) lady to do? Honestly, I’ll take whatever suggestions you’ve got. As long as it doesn’t involve lowering my standards or ordering a man out of a catalog, I’ll try it. Bring it on.

*For the record, I’m not a fan of the cat, so, in theory, I can never be THAT woman. And Brooke just lost a cat (RIP Harry), so she has only one now. Nowhere near the 400 cats you’d think we’d have if you looked at our dating habits.

ADDENDUM: After I re-read this, I decided I should perhaps list the qualities I would consider to be essential in a potential mate. So, for your perusal, here’s a short list of non-negotiable attributes my potential suitor must possess…just in case you’re thinking of applying for the job, or know someone who might be interested.

1. AVAILABLE: you must be available for a relationship immediately. Meaning no ex-girlfriends lurking around with whom you may “get back together with”, no current girlfriends, no ex-wives, no current wives, no overbearing mother, no children, and no female “friends” who are really just hanging around until you’re desperate enough to finally break down and have sex with them.
2. EMPLOYED: you must have a career that you’ve been pursuing for more than 3 years that you enjoy.
3. INTELLIGENT: you must have an education beyond a high school diploma, preferably with at least one degree from an accredited college, not ITT Tech.
4. FUNNY: you must have a good sense of humor, and be able to see the humor in even the most dreadful of situations (e.g., still being single at the ripe old age of 38).
5. SEXY: you must have more than just a cursory knowledge of the female body, and a strong desire to practice your well-honed techniques often.
6. AFFECTIONATE: you must take pleasure in kissing, cuddling, and saying “I love you”.
7. TRUSTWORTHY: you must be sincere, reliable and decent.
8. FAMILY-ORIENTED: you must have a good relationship with your family, or at least some of them. You must like children and perhaps even want some of your own one day. Or a dog.
9. ATTRACTIVE: you must take pride in your appearance, and make the most of what you have to work with. Having all of your own teeth (and hair) is a BONUS.
10. OPEN-MINDED: you must be receptive to new ideas and new experiences.

Honestly, I don’t think my standards are so incredibly high that no one could ever fit the bill. I don’t need a rich guy, or one who is drop-dead gorgeous. I just want a lovable dude who thinks I’m the bee’s knees. Is that so much to ask?

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