Kimopolis

The air is humming, and something great is coming!

Can you feel it? There’s a buzz in the air, and no, it’s not just your ears ringing from the fireworks last night*. Something’s coming, and it’s something good (if I can wait!). Ladies and gentlemen, it’s “Big Brother” season.

Oh, I can hear you all now, “Christ, Kim…ANOTHER reality show? Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?” To which my answers are, “Yes,” and “No,” respectively. Besides, “Big Brother” is different than all those other reality shows. “Big Brother” is the ultimate social-psychological experiment and CBS has generously provided 24/7 access to watch these human guinea pigs in a controlled environment…for free. You don’t even have to leave the comfort of your own home.

There’s a whole lot of crazy going on in the house most of the time, and the reasons behind the insanity are multitudinous. To understand why these people suddenly snap and go completely bat-shit crazy for no apparent reason, it’s important to understand their living situation. Let’s review the “rules”, shall we?

• Once you enter the house, you can only leave if you are voted out. The door is locked, and the outside world no longer exists.

• No newspapers, no magazines, no internet, no iPods, no cell phones, no books (except the bible), no games, and no pens or paper. The written word is completely banished in the BB house. The only televisions in the house are closed-circuit with one in the HOH room, and the other in the main living room. Just imagine trying to live for one day without even one of those items. Yeah, I couldn’t do it either. Heck, I don’t think I could even survive an hour.

• Privacy does not exist. Houseguests wear a microphone 24/7. Cameras are abundant throughout the house and the only room without a camera is the tiny 3’x3’ box where the toilet is. EVERYTHING else is captured by cameras at all times.

• The only access to the outdoors is the backyard. Although equipped with a pool and a hot tub, the only discernable difference between the backyard and the house is the blue sky above. (Once or twice, someone has attempted to relay information to the houseguests by using a plane to fly overhead with a message trailing behind. I don’t think anyone’s attempted skywriting yet, but I have no doubt they will.) In addition, the backyard is only available when BB rolls up the solid steel gate covering the sliding glass doors to the outside. So, sometimes, the whole cast is trapped inside with each other for HOURS on end. Claustrophobia, anyone?

• Food and booze are limited to what the BB producers feel like providing. There are weekly food challenges, and the losers always have the indescribable pleasure of eating “BB Slop” until the next challenge. Slop looks like oatmeal, but isn’t nearly as tasty.

• The final, and most important factor, is that everyone in the house is your competition. To win the $500,000 prize, you have to outlast your houseguests for THREE MONTHS. That’s a LONG-ass  time. Even if you managed to avoid being voted off each week, you still have the unbelievably difficult task of making allies with your opponents, all the while trying to get them ousted before they give you the boot. This leads to all sorts of subterfuge that showcases the entire spectrum of human emotions, from tears to anger to desperation. The will to live is tested on a daily basis in the BB house. And THAT’S what makes it so interesting to watch.

Admittedly, when BB first aired, I wasn’t a fan. In fact, I really didn’t start watching the show until season 8, the one with “Evel” Dick. From then on, it was like heroin. I certainly couldn’t stop watching it and I needed more of it the longer I watched. In all of their utter brilliance, CBS airs the unedited, uncensored version, “Big Brother: After Dark” on Showtime. BB: AD doesn’t always make sense, and it can be mind-numbingly boring, as well…but other times, it is PHENOMINAL. Case in point, when Joshuah lost his MIND on Allison in the hot tub. Here’s a CLIP (Joshuah SNAPS at 6:47, for those who don’t want to watch the whole, ugly, nasty confrontation. WARNING: Explicit language!):

In season 9, James literally had a nervous breakdown on camera when his BFF, Chelsia, was voted out of the house. He sunk into a deep depression, the likes of which this seemingly happy-go-lucky guy with a shocking-pink mohawk had never demonstrated before. It was heart-wrenching. And, THEN…his misery turned to RAGE. James screamed and yelled at everyone and anyone who was in his proximity, and it got UGLY. I’m not gonna lie. Here’s a clip when James confront his surrogate mother in the house, Shelia, and he is so confused by her back-stabbing behavior, he doesn’t know whether to laugh, shout or cry. So, he does all three at once. Click for CLIP:

Good stuff, huh?

Some of you are sitting there, reading this and thinking, “Duh, Kim. All of that ‘drama’ is scripted. The producers give the guests prompts on how to behave, what to do, and exactly what to say.” And to that I say, “I DON’T CARE!” It makes no difference to me if BB is really real or not. It’s GOOD. More power to CBS for creating a fabulously cast and well-acted show. Bravo.

Just, whatever you do, CBS…don’t take away my BB.

*Was it just my neighborhood, or were there a multitude of unscheduled (not to mention illegal and HIGHLY dangerous) firework explosions before, during and after the Palisades “Official” Fireworks Show? I mean, it’s freakin’ 11:13 in the p.m. and some asshat keeps setting them off like 100 yards away from my balcony. Enough already. Patriotism is great and all, but my heart is racing like a teacup Chihuahua on speed every time one of those blasted (sorry, couldn’t help myself) things goes off. My nerves are frayed. Jesus, pass out already, people. Or, at least, go somewhere else.

Those DICKS! They just did it again! (11:16)

And AGAIN! (11:45)

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