Kimopolis

A while back, I wrote a particularly pithy article[1] about eyebrow maintenance.[2] It was a popular post, but I didn’t think I’d be writing another piece on personal grooming so soon. But, here we are, a few months later, and I feel it is necessary to discuss[3] a disturbing new trend in world of eyelashes.

For centuries, women have traveled far and wide to uncover a secret potion that would make their eyelashes appear longer, thicker and more evenly spaced. If you’re lucky enough to be born with naturally luxurious lashes, chances are you also have an excess of long, dark hair everywhere else on your body. Personally, I’d rather have to apply a little mascara when necessary, rather than requiring  a full body wax every three to four weeks. But that’s just me.

So, people in the Mascara Business have been working non-stop to develop a better mascara. One that doesn’t clump, or smudge. One that gives your lashes volume, or makes them a different color (e.g., blue, green or purple). One that curls your lashes as it lengthens, or nourishes them with nutrients like vitamin E. If you have problem lashes, they have a cure. But, mascara can be exhausting to apply, day after day, and remove, night after night.

For those looking for a longer lasting solution their problems, there’s lash tinting, a semi-permanent dye that should only be applied by a skilled professional. Tinting your own lashes is about as practical as brushing your teeth with a broom, and there’s a slight possibility you might blind yourself. Nobody wants that.

Lastly, there’s something called lash extensions, a relatively new procedure that I know very little about. I imagine they’re much like hair extensions, and we all know how natural THOSE look. I don’t even want to THINK about how they are applied, much less kept in place.[4]

Recently, Brooke Shields has been abusing her famous status by hocking a new lash product called Latisse. I can only assume being the spokes model for Colgate toothpaste wasn’t as fulfilling as she thought it would be. Selling merchandise is nothing new for Brooke. She was the face of Calvin Klein jeans before she even hit puberty and Ivory Snow when she was just a wee baby.[5] However, no previous product bearing the Brooke Shields stamp of approval has had quite as many potentially adverse side effects as Latisse.

Before we go any further, I think it’s important to point out that Brooke is a hirsute woman. She has thick, gorgeous hair and thick, not-so-gorgeous eyebrows to match. She is no stranger to waxing, I assure you. Therefore, having her sell a magical eyelash tonic is, essentially, cheating. Brooke’s got PLENTY of eyelashes. Now, if they had chosen a blue-eyed, natural blonde to sell their goods, I’d be more inclined to believe it really works.

ANYtruthinadvertisingmyass, Latisse is a prescription medication that is applied to the lash line once a day. It claims to actually GROW your lashes. It’s like Rogaine, but in a smaller package. If it works, I don’t know, but after hearing about the side effects, you can rest assured I won’t be testing it out on my lashes any time soon.  Why? Let’s take a look at the Latisse website, shall we?

What they say: “LATISSE™ use may cause darkening of the eyelid skin which may be reversible.”
What they mean: Don’t be surprised when your eyelids turn brown and remain that way for the rest of your life, making you appear to be sleep-deprived and chronically ill.

What they say: “LATISSE™ use may also cause increased brown pigmentation of the colored part of the eye which is likely to be permanent.”
What they mean: If you have blue or green eyes, use this and they’ll turn brown. FOREVER.

What they say: “It is possible for hair growth to occur in other areas of your skin that LATISSE™ frequently touches.”
What they mean: Hairy eyelids are a distinct possibility if you use this product. I don’t know about you, but I do NOT want hair growing all over my eyelid. Not only is that gross and disturbing, it also sounds rather uncomfortable.

What they say: “LATISSE™ solution is intended for use on the skin of the upper eyelid margins at the base of the eyelashes. DO NOT APPLY to the lower eyelid.”
What they mean: Holy crap! What the hell happens if you apply it to your lower lashes?!? Blindness??? Because you just KNOW that some eyelash junkie is going to completely ignore that warning because she doesn’t want her lower lashes to feel left out! Oh, this is not good. Not good at ALL.

Still want to try it? Really? Well, I suppose it might be worth it if you never had to apply mascara ever again. I mean, if you use this stuff, mascara is completely unnecessary, right?

“No, LATISSE™ does not work in place of mascara. LATISSE™ is a solution treatment for inadequate or not enough lashes and requires a prescription from a doctor. However, mascara can be used on your eyelashes in addition to LATISSE™.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Are you saying that even if I use this highly questionable and possibly dangerous product, I STILL have to use mascara? Then, what’s the point? That’s totally bogus, man. TOTALLY. If I want “impossibly long, thick lashes,” I’ll just purchase a set of fake ones, thank you very much. Oh, and Brooke? You should be ASHAMED, girl. A-SHAMED.

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[1] If I do say so myself.
[2] You can find it HERE.
[3] And by “discuss” I mean I’m going to give you my opinion.
[4] Is braiding involved? Glue? Hot irons?
[5] I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. *Chili’s* Baby back ribs.

 

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