Kimopolis

Yesterday, I decided to add a feed button to my blog. In my estimation, I calculated that this would take 5-10 minutes of my busy day. Much to my chagrin, the entire process took just over 2 ½ HOURS. For reference, I have included the instructions as they appear on your FAQs page.

If you want to show your feed link:

1. Go to Appearance -> Widgets
2. Add a Text Widget to your sidebar
3. Open it by clicking the blue lines
4. Type the following:
   <a href=”http://your-blog-name.wordpress.com/feed”><img src=”image-location” /></a>
5. Save the changes

Do not copy and paste the link above! Write it out properly.

That will add a link to your feed.

As you can see, the directions are not complicated. I read them through once, and then proceeded to follow them, step by step. Step #1 was straightforward and easy to complete. Step #2 was also very simple. However, Step #3 is where things went decidedly south. The directions read: Open it by clicking the blue lines. “It” I assumed, was the “Text Widget” referred to in Step #2. Once added, the “Text Widget” looks like a blue oblong button with the words “Text” on the left and “edit” on the right. “Edit” is underlined. Because I had added other widgets to my page, I was familiar with the blue button and how it worked. So, I managed to “open it” without following your specific directions. Had this been the first widget button I had ever used, I would not have been able to complete Step #3 because these “blue lines” of which you mention are nowhere to be found. I suppose you could be referring to the “blue button” as a “blue line” but, in that case, the word “line” should be singular. Additionally, if someone cannot tell the difference between a line and a button, they shouldn’t be allowed to have a blog in the first place. Finally, why not make everyone’s life a little easier by not even referring to the blue lines and simply direct the user to click “edit?” Then, there would be no squabbling about lines or buttons, and we all could just move on to Step #4.

Step #4 is the most poorly written, misleading, inadequate, and utterly baffling line of instruction that has ever been conceived.  I have read Ikea instructions that were more helpful than that nonsense.  The problem with Step #4 is that it lacks vital information that is required to complete it. Therefore, it cannot be completed. It is impossible. Needless to say, Step #4 is where the bulk of my day was spent.

After reading Step #4 it seems simple enough. Essentially, it instructs the user to do one thing: Type this. However, “type this” is only the very tip of the iceberg. Issue #1: The instructions warn to NOT copy and paste that giant line of gobbledygook that looks as if it were typed using the Cyrillic alphabet or Wing Dings. Because maturity-wise I am essentially a three-year-old with a large vocabulary and a driver’s license, my immediate response to this direct warning was, “Why?” Why can’t I just copy and paste it? Since I was not provided with an answer, I decided to ignore the big, bold warning and I highlighted the line of code, right-clicked copy, tabbed over to my blue button, and pasted it. “Screw you, WordPress,” I thought. Maybe the other less intelligent users would have followed your exact command, but I am smarter than them. Feeling rather superior, I moved on to Step #5 and “saved the changes.” Well, that was easy enough, right? Let’s see how it looks on my page. As you can probably surmise, I was less than thrilled with the result. No feed button, just the words I had added, “Click here to subscribe to my blog.” Okay, so maybe I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was, but I was positive that I could remedy the situation relatively quickly.

At this point, I went back to my widget page and clicked on the blue button to see what was the matter. Sure enough, the code I had copied and pasted was different from the code that appeared there now. How’d that happen? Nothing like that has ever happened before when I’ve copied and pasted. Ever. And I’ve done my fair share of copying and pasting. So, not admitting defeat, I tried in vain to copy and paste the code once again, hoping for a more positive outcome. Do you know what they say about people who do the same thing over and over again, yet expect a different outcome? Of course you do.

So, I referred back to the instructions, and this time, I followed them implicitly. I TYPED the following into the blue box:

<a href=”http://your-blog-name.wordpress.com/feed”><img src=”image-location” /></a>

Hunting and pecking at my keyboard, I carefully entered each character, and when I arrived at the part that reads, “your-blog-name.wordpress.com” a light bulb illuminated above my head. I quickly changed “your-blog-name” to “kimlno” and all was right with the world. Or so I thought. I saved the changes and visited my site to see how they looked now (now that I’d actually followed the directions). And you know what? STILL no button. WTF? It was ONE LINE of code. People (and when I say people, I mean geeks who build their own computers from scratch) program thousands of lines of code every day. How difficult could this be? I have a MASTERS DEGREE, damn it. I can program the clock on my VCR, for crying out loud (I just really dated myself, didn’t I?)! I was not going to be bested by one stinking line of stupid HTML code. “I can do this,” I told myself. And, like Vizzini had instructed, I went back to the beginning, and started over once again.

By now, as you may have predicted, I was getting a little cranky. I was tired, nothing seemed to be working, and I was weighing the advantages to even having a stupid feed button on my blog that has less than 2000 hits and has been up for almost 6 months. But, I’m no quitter and, by golly, I was going to figure this thing out. Maybe I was missing something. Maybe, just as the directions had failed to mention that “your-blog-name” should be replaced with your blog name (stop laughing, it’s rude to mock an idiot), perhaps there was another piece of the code I needed to swap out in order for this feed button to work. But what?

I looked at the code more closely. I decided that the first part of the code looked right, and the problem must therein lie somewhere in the second half. Because I have formatted a note or two on Facebook, I was aware that all code had to exist in between < and >. Plus, not only did you need to indicate where you wanted the code to begin in your text, it was imperative to indicate where you wanted the code to END. Otherwise, even though you may only want to italicize one word of text, if you forgot to add </i> after the word, the rest of your document would be in italics. The code for the feed button started and ended with the proper punctuation marks, but INSIDE those < and > were two OTHER sets of < and >. AHA! Now, I was getting somewhere.

It was at this juncture that I decided it might behoove me to look at the directions once again, just in case I had missed something (of course, I WAS missing something, but I had no idea what it was or even what I was looking for). Below the instructions were lots of pretty feed buttons in different sizes and all the colors of the rainbow. Directly next to each button was a URL. Upon clicking various links, I determined (in all my brilliance) that the links corresponded to the size and color of the feed button. No light bulb switched on over my head this time, and I was caught up in deciding which color would look best on my page, should I ever unravel the secret to mystery, that is.

Before all the pieces of the puzzle did, indeed, finally come together, I had one more failure ahead of me. The code was now memorized and emblazoned on my brain for all eternity when it occurred to me that “img src” was most likely an abbreviation for “image source.” Hmm…image source. Well, the image I wanted to appear on my page was a button, and each one the buttons on the bottom of the page of directions had its very own link. So, if I substitute “img src” for one of those links, I should be in business! Right? Not quite. I plugged the URL into the code, but, alas, still no feed button appeared on my blog.

It was at this point that I began to cry. Not all out blubbering, snot-running-down-your-nose (Hey, Aqualung!), red-splotchy-and-swollen crying, but a definite pout took form and tears welled up in my eyes. A deep, cleansing breath later, I convinced myself that the solution was close at hand, and to give up now would be fool hardy. Perhaps it was the tears that cleared my vision, or maybe with all the trial and error, I only had one option left. Whatever it was, I had the notion to replace the words “image-location” with a URL. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, this appeared on my page:

I had solved the riddle. I was victorious. No thanks to you, WordPress. Vexed at every turn, your instructions mocked my intelligence, tested my patience, and all but extinguished my belief in a higher power. It is, for these reasons, I write this now.

WordPress, I implore you to revise your FAQs post haste. So strongly do I feel about the necessity of this action that I have rewritten them myself in hopes that no one should endure the level of frustration I experienced. You’re welcome.

If you want to show your feed link:

1. Go to Appearance -> Widgets
2. Add a Text Widget to your sidebar
3. Open it by clicking “edit”
4. Type, DO NOT COPY AND PASTE, the following:
   <a href=”http://your-blog-name.wordpress.com/feed”><img src=”image-location” /></a>
5. Replace “your-blog-name” with the name of your blog (i.e. if your blog address is http://myblog.wordpress.com, change “your-blog-name” to “myblog”)
6. Replace “image-location” with one of the URLs below (i.e., if you want your feed link to appear on your page exactly like the first link on the list, change “image-location” to http://faq.files.wordpress.com/2006/11/a14.png)
7. Save the changes

That will add a link to your feed.

Here are some different link styles available for you to choose from:

http://faq.files.wordpress.com/2006/11/a14.png

http://faq.files.wordpress.com/2006/11/a28.png

http://faq.files.wordpress.com/2006/11/a64.png

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