Kimopolis

Look, you know I think you’re a musical genius. Songs in the Key of Life is probably one  of my favorite albums of all time. Remember when you appeared on “American Idol” a few seasons ago? And the top ten contenders completely massacred your beautiful masterpieces? You were such a gracious gentleman throughout the rehearsals, and even if your ears were bleeding, you still gave those kids some excellent tips on how to improve their performances. That’s because you know what you’re talking about when it comes to singing, song writing, and performing. You’ve won 26 Grammys. 26! That’s a record for a solo artist. You’ve been a star since you were 12 years old and you’ve been performing for over 45 years. You are a living legend. Had I been one of those AI contestants who actually got to meet you, I probably would have ruined your beautiful dashiki as I simultaneously projectile vomited and lost consciousness. You’re THAT awesome.

But, dude, you absolutely cannot be on “Dancing with the Stars.” Don’t do it, man. I don’t care how much money they throw at you. You know those scum-sucking Hollywood producers only want you for one reason and one reason only…because you’re blind. I know, HARSH. Sorry, man, but even you have to admit, although you are an insanely talented musician, dancing is not your forte. First of all, it’s pretty impossible to dance if you can’t see what you’re doing. Sure, maybe if you hadn’t lost your eyesight at birth, you might be able to remember what dancing looked like. But how are you going to learn the steps to the Paso Doble when you can’t see the steps you need to take?

Secondly, Stevie, maybe you’re not aware of this, but when you sing and play music…you really FEEL the music. Those of us who can see, know that you tend to literally “rock out” when the music starts. And, then, maybe a little beforehand, too. And afterward. And, really, even when you’re just talking. You head starts moving from side to side, and your beaded braids swing to and fro. It looks really cool when you’re singing “Isn’t She Lovely,” but you can’t do that when you’re dancing the Viennese Waltz. Dancing is all about posture and poise, and you are going to have to keep your head still if you want to impress Len. Because, and let’s be honest, if Len doesn’t like your dancing, and I don’t care how charming and talented you are…you aren’t going to win.

Now, I know, the producers of DWTS are relentless in their pursuit to reach the widest possible audience each season. For example, this season’s underdog was Chloris Leachman, age 82. Chloris is a very funny old lady, but a believable ballroom dancer, she is not. Everyone knew she wasn’t going home with the Mirror Ball Trophy from the moment she set foot on the dance floor, but we still applauded her attempts at the Jive because she kept us all in stitches. But there comes a time, in every season, where a line has to be drawn between keeping someone who actually has a chance of winning, and keeping someone who is wildly entertaining, but not exactly what you’d call a “hoofer.” Thanks for the sight gags. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Over the past seven seasons, DWTS has had a deaf dancer (good job, Marlee, but as it turns out, not being able to hear the music DOES impede dance ability), a dancer with only one leg (nice try, Heather, but next time, of you want to win, you’re going to have to rig that leg to fly off midway through the West Coast Swing and go for the pity vote), and an incredibly old dancer (sorry, Chloris…long live Frau Blucher! *horse whinny*). The producer’s are obviously trying to prove that anybody can dance if they just have the right partner. But they don’t want you for YOU, Stevie. They want you because you’re BLIND. Sure, you’re a world renowned musician whose career has spanned decades, but that doesn’t matter to the producers as much as the fact that you CAN’T SEE does. Because really, they can’t possibly claim that they are trying to gain the blind demographic by having you on the show…because there is no blind demographic! Blind people don’t watch TV! Even if they did watch TV, I ask you, what could they possibly enjoy about watching a dance competition?!? The only thing the blind are going to get from watching DWTS is an earful of really crappy covers of songs that were never intended to be played by an orchestra (I’m pretty sure Nelly didn’t record “Tilt Ya Head Back” with the intention of having his song used as the backdrop for a Cha-Cha-Cha.). I mean, sure Tom Bergeron is good for a few chuckles, but his jokes won’t really have much impact if you haven’t seen the actual dancing.

So, Stevie, in lieu of actually joining the cast of DWTS, why don’t you just appear as a musical guest? That way, you can do what you do best and leave the dancing to the professionals…and whatever bogus “stars” they manage to wrangle up. And remember, you’re Stevie Wonder, man…you’re a SUPERSTAR.