Kimopolis

For those of you who have been living in a cave, or you are one of those assholes who believes you should kill your television, Padma Lakshmi is the host of Top Chef. What’s this Top Chef you speak of? It’s a cooking contest where wannabe chefs from all over vie for assorted cash and prizes. The contestants are usually asked to prepare delicious meals in completely impossible and ludicrous situations. And who best to judge such a fantastical gastronomic event? A world famous chef, you say? Not even close. In all their infinite wisdom, the people at Bravo (who introduced us to that lovable stiff Tim Gunn on Project Runway) felt that a practically unknown model-slash-actress would be best suited for the job. Of course! Because when I think of models, I think of FOOD. Great casting, Bravo (really, bra-VO).

When Padma was a little girl growing up in the slums of Mumbai, uh, I mean Malibu, she was in a terrible car accident. Blah. Blah. Blah. Jaws of Life. Blah. Blah. Blah. She now has a hideous scar on her right arm. It’s pretty impressive as far as scars go – seven inches long spanning from her elbow to her shoulder. Oh, how will she ever live a normal life? Cope with the adversity? Be able to show her face in public? Dear God, was it not enough that she was born of Indian descent?!? Yeah, cry me a freakin’ river. Padma grew up to be tall and thin, plus she was willing to forsake eating. So, naturally, she became a model. Padma showed the world that you can be physically disfigured and STILL be a top model (oh, wait…wrong show, sorry). So very, very brave. I’d like to see how her modeling career would have turned out if that scar was on her face, and not her arm. Oh, calm down…I’m just sayin’!

Any-anorexia, Padma and her giant scar went on to make a few crappy films (I have one word: Glitter) and some truly forgettable television shows (Sharpe?). She even married a famous writer, Salman Rushdie, who, in addition to being fat and bald, was seven years older than her FATHER. Ew. Can we say daddy issues? But when that romance didn’t work out (I am convinced that she was jealous of the fatwa and subsequent assassination attempts because her big ass scar paled in comparison), the ex-model/actress wrote a cookbook. Yes, because the logical order of the universe dictates that if your first job is to get paid not to eat, then, when that opportunity dries up, create recipes for others to cook and enjoy, making them fatter and you, in comparison, much skinnier. It’s diabolical, I know. Oh, and the key ingredient (such a wit, am I), make sure that truly unappetizing (there I go AGAIN) scar gets as much attention as possible. Act as if it wasn’t even there, but be sure to wear short sleeves and tank tops as much as possible. Genius.

Now, I am sure that Padma is a very nice person. Maybe she’s got a fantastic sense of humor that keeps those chefs in stitches, I don’t know. But, the Padma on Top Chef is a real ball-breaker. Never mind that she doesn’t ever have to lift a finger, except to put food into her mouth (which I am convinced she spits out off-camera before she swallows it), she gets to spend her days talking smack about the contestants, usually behind their backs, and all the while wearing fabulous designer fashions. Who died and made her the queen of haute cuisine? Does she own a restaurant? Have any of us ever seen her cook? Really, who does she think she is? Julia Child?

Someone with her kind of deformity should NOT be allowed to work with food, especially in a judging capacity. Have you ever noticed how she picks the most opportune moments to flash her scar, usually by reaching out to pick up food, when it’s food prepared by a contestant she doesn’t particularly care for? And then, when it comes time to have a bite of one of her favorite chef’s creations, she hides that scar by using her left hand to pick up the grub and hides her right arm behind Tom Colicchio’s fat ass. Watch her. She uses her scar like an all-powerful appetite suppressant that even seasoned (I know, I am killing myself) chefs cannot overcome. Time after time, proper scar placement allows her favorites to succeed while the others pack their knives and go.

I just want to know one thing, Bravo…where do I sign up?