Posted by kimlno on December 31, 2008
Dude, perhaps the tone of my first letter was too jovial, too light-hearted. Maybe you thought I was just kidding around with you when I BEGGED you not to quit acting to pursue a career in music, specifically Rap. I’m going to try a different approach, because this time, I am seriously worried about your mental and physical health.
WHAT IN ALL THAT IS HOLY HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?!? When I came across this picture of you in the news today, I literally gasped out loud. Do you know the last time that happened? When I read the headline that Heath Ledger had passed away. Sadly, I fear that you might be following closely in his footsteps.
In an attempt to keep this short, because I have a feeling that your attention span may have been negatively affected as well, you need to stop whatever drugs you are doing and get some help. Take that ridiculous sparkly hairclip out of your rat’s nest of a hair-don’t that makes Amy Winehouse’s crack-hive look like a sleek styling from Vidal Sassoon, and BATHE. Get a haircut. Stop smoking those cigarettes like they are going out of style. Put down the bong or pipe or needle and try to sober up, because you are about a jar full of toenail clippings away from turning into Howard Hughes.
Have a SAFE and Happy New Year, man. Peace out.
Posted in Unsolicited Mail | Tagged: Amy Winehouse, Career, Drugs, Happy New Year, Heath Ledger, Howard Hughes, Joaquin Phoenix, Music, Smoking | Leave a Comment »
Posted by kimlno on December 29, 2008
- I can raise one eyebrow, just like an evil genius.
- Given the proper tools and time, I can solve any problem or answer any question.
- I am a third generation Angelino. I was born in Los Angeles, both my mom and my dad were born in Los Angeles, and both my mother’s father and my father’s father were born in Los Angeles.
- I have never had a cavity.
- I have a cadaver bone in my neck (plus 4 titanium screws and 2 titanium plates, which kinda makes me feel like Jamie Sommers, the Bionic Woman).
- I have the uncanny ability to predict the future about completely random (and usually useless) events. But, just like a good Greek tragedy, I have ridiculously bad luck especially if I attempt to use this ability for personal gain.
- I love my family, but I love that we can all hang out together and have fun even more.
- I have sung live on stage in front of hundreds of people at the House of Blues in Hollywood.
- I don’t like lettuce or tomato on my sandwiches, yet I love salad. Go figure.
- I don’t like milk on my cereal. Instead, I have a glass of milk and a bowl of plain cereal.
- I have laughed so hard that I peed in my pants, and I think that’s awesome.
- I love games, but I don’t particularly care for sports. The only sports I would even consider participating in or watching are: Figure Skating (except for Ice Dancing), Synchronized Swimming, Gymnastics, and Cheerdancing.
- I love music so much, that I don’t think I could live without it.
- I have a dark side, but a sunny disposition.
- My eyes change color depending on what I am wearing.
- Given that I have at least two pieces of gum in my mouth at the same time, I can blow a double bubble (one bubble inside the other).
- For ten years, I was a casting director. The three shows I worked on that you’ve probably heard of are “The X-Files,” “Married with Children,” and “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.” On any given day, the office would be filled with buxom babes, creepy-looking dudes, and teen heartthrobs.
- Speaking of casting, I have been in attendance for some very unusual auditions. One in particular involved a cooler full of rattlesnakes. The snakes were not defanged, nor had they been milked. In order to keep them from striking, a very fine filament had been threaded through their nostrils and down around their jaw making it difficult, but not impossible, for them to open their mouths. If the reading went well, the actors were asked to repeat the scene while several snakes were placed around their shoulders and feet. When the session was finished, the snake wrangler asked me if I wanted to try it. Of course I said yes, because the “Cool” factor far outweighed the “Fear” factor.
- The only time I have ever traveled outside of North America is when I went to Paris. For one day.
- I have an extraordinary sense of direction, and I rarely get lost.
- Cigarettes make me nauseous; however their undeniable dramatic allure momentarily blinded me. I tried to start smoking in high school, but one U2 concert and two packs of Marlboro Reds later, I quit. I have never smoked another one, nor do I have the urge to. Oddly enough, during my college years, I smoked pot like it was going out of style.
- My first name (Kimberly), my middle name (Lynn), and my last name (Nordlinger) can be strung together to make one word: kimberlynnordlinger. As my mom was completely stoned on pharmaceutical grade drugs during childbirth, this was simply a coincidence.
- As long as we are on the subject, I hate my name. It’s WAY too long. No one ever pronounces my last name correctly the first time. As Kimberly was the fifth most popular name the year I was born, I have rarely been the only Kimberly in the group. Plus, I do not look like a Kimberly. Most of the Kimberly’s I know are blonde and bubbly, and drive convertibles. I wear too much black to be a Kimberly.
- I have awesome handwriting. However, my cursive looks like an arthritic with a severe palsy having a seizure.
- My best friend in college was a hair stylist, and I was her guinea pig (I was going to say “muse” but then I would be lying). My hair has been red, purple, black, and the one time I tried to go platinum blonde, most of it fell out. That was the one and only time I ever cried about my hair.
- I have been told I have a good sense of humor, and some people even think I am funny. What they don’t know is, if I didn’t have the ability to make light of even the most horrible of situations, I’d either be insane or dead by now.
- Currently, I am single, unemployed, and I have no children. Oh, and I live at home with my mom. See what I mean about that sense of humor thing?
- I like raisins, but I think adding them to any other food is a culinary crime.
- I have been in four major car accidents, none of which were my fault. Three of them occurred when I wasn’t even moving. I have sworn to stop driving altogether if anyone else hits my car again. The upside is, since my car has spent most of its life in the shop being repaired, my 1999 Honda CRV has less than 55,000 miles on it.
- I have an opinion on everything, and if you disagree with me, you are obviously wrong.
- I am an internet junkie, a reality television whore, and I will watch any movie that stars Keanu Reeves.
- I believe marijuana should be legalized, and guns should be outlawed.
- Every Fourth of July I listen to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture as loud as my speakers will allow while watching the fireworks. It is one of my absolute favorite pieces of music, and I usually pretend to conduct the orchestra for the entire 15 ½ minutes.
- As a child, I never had a favorite stuffed animal or a blankie I was particularly attached to. However, I did suck my thumb until 5th grade (not during school or out in public, just on the sly when I was sure no one else was around). Fearing my thumb sucking would eventually equal very expensive orthodontia, Dr. DaVirro put an appliance in my mouth called a crib. I called it “The Claw,” because that’s what it looked like. It worked, though, and I haven’t sucked my thumb since.
- I had the privilege to work with Cary Elwes (“Westley” from The Princess Bride). Unexpectedly, after many casting sessions together, he kissed my hand and said, “As you wish.” I almost died.
- I was a very gullible child. Once, after a particularly large purchase at the supermarket, my mom had filled her little Datsun Z to the brim with grocery bags. Then, she looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, honey, there’s no room for you. You are just going to have to walk home.” At which point I replied, “All the way?!?”
- Regardless of the weather, I sleep with the window open.
- I refuse to be friends with anyone who constantly complains, but never wants a solution to their problem. I call these people “Emotional Vampires.”
- I have never lived anywhere that wasn’t within walking distance of the beach, and I never will.
- When I was about 4 or 5, I was playing a game of hide-and-seek with my mom. After I finished counting to ten, but before I could finish telling her that she’d better not jump out and scare me, she did just that and said, “BOO!” I passed out cold. To this day, I do not like loud sudden noises, and I am the worst person to watch a scary movie with because if I anticipate that something scary is going to happen, I have to cover my ears. And even then, I still usually jump out of my seat.
- I am far more comfortable in the water than I am on land, and if I didn’t need to breathe, I would live under the sea like the Little Mermaid or SpongeBob SquarePants.
Posted in Sharing Is Caring, Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: 1812 Overture, Beach, Bubble Gum, Car Accidents, Cereal, Cigarettes, Dark Side, Emotional Vampires, Evil Genius, Games, Gullible, Hair, Handwriting, Humor, Keanu Reeves, Lettuce, Me, Milk, Music, Opinion, Paris, Raisins, Rattlesnake, Sandwich, Tchaikovsky, The Princess Bride, Thumb Sucker, Tomatoes | Leave a Comment »
Posted by kimlno on December 28, 2008
In my formative years, I was exposed to an obscenely vast array of movie musicals. In fact, musicals were so prevalent that it wasn’t unusual for an actor to, for no apparent reason, burst into song. The first and probably the best example of this phenomenon is the John Travolta-Olivia Newton John classic, Grease. I was only seven when Grease came out, all of the sexual innuendos meaningless to me, but I loved it just the same. I bought the album (a double album!) and proceeded to learn every single word to every single song. Why? Because then I could reenact the entire film in my living room. Thankfully, the late 70s and early 80s were a magical time in movie history when almost every other film released was a musical. There were some good ones and some bad ones, but no matter what every musical had a soundtrack.
See, a long time ago, there was no such thing as cable TV. There was no HBO. If you were really lucky, your parents may have had a Betamax machine, but even then, they never had any movies that you would want to watch anyway (for instance, my dad had a Beta machine, but the only tapes he owned were Fellini’s 8 ½ , Carnal Knowledge and Last Tango in Paris…not exactly child-friendly flicks). If you wanted to see a film, you had to go to a movie theater. It was a difficult time for kids who liked the movies. Invariably, going to see a movie involved (a.) finding someone else who wanted to see the movie you did, (b.) getting that person, or another adult, to drive you to the theater, and (c.) having at least the two dollars it would cost to get into the movie. Popcorn and candy were but a pipe dream.
So, I’ve decided to compile a list of my top ten favorite reality warping movie musicals to give you, dear reader, a glimpse into the twisted world I was raised in. For a film to be considered, singing and/or dancing must be performed in a location that would otherwise be unsuitable for such activities. For instance, Flashdance cannot be included in this list because all dancing takes place in reasonable locations; a club, the streets, Alex’s dance studio/home. However, Footloose is on the list because, although much of the dancing takes place at the appropriate time and location, one of the best dance segments ever made is the solo performed by Kevin Bacon in the abandoned factory. He executes a flawless, off-the-top-of-his-head dance routine to music supposedly originating from the speakers in his car. Therefore, Footloose qualifies as a movie musical that distorted my entire sense of reality, because things like that just don’t happen in real life. Man, was that a bummer.
Grease is the word.
1. Grease (1978). This is really a no-brainer. No list of musicals could possibly be complete without mentioning Grease. High school kids, portrayed by 30-year-olds, sing and dance about, well, high school. And sex. In the 1950s.
Emotional Scar Factor: Extremely high. Aside from encouraging drinking, smoking, and premarital sex, this film also condones auto theft, disrespecting your elders, and swearing like a sailor. The most poignant message of all was Olivia Newton John’s successful transformation from a nice girl to a dirty whore. Yeah, there’s a lesson you want all your little girls to learn.
Best Lyric: “You know that ain’t no shit, we’ll be getting’ lots of tit in Greased Lightin’.” Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Because I Said So | Tagged: All That Jazz, Beatles, Bugsy Malone, Fame, Flashdance, Footloose, Grease, Jesus Christ Superstar, Lyric, Movie, Musical, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, The Pirate Movie, Xanadu | Leave a Comment »
Posted by kimlno on December 28, 2008
A while back, I lit incense and candles on a pretty regular basis in a vain attempt to disguise any other telltale aromas that might be wafting about my bedroom. Unless you’re trying to seduce a lover, candles and incense burners scream out, “hey, look at me…I smoke pot.”Candles have been pretty good to me over the years. Rarely did a candle go awry or burn lopsidedly. Candles were my friend, but that all changed rather quickly one fateful night.
I had no qualms about leaving a candle burning in my bedroom and then venturing off to hang out in another part of the house. I mean, my place is pretty small, and if a fire were to break out, I would probably notice before the smoke alarm even went off. One thing I didn’t do was sleep with a lit candle in the room. I’ve seen what one tiny cigarette can do to bed linens. Imagine if you had one of those five pound, three-wicked candles from Illuminations – an entire home could be engulfed in flames within minutes.
Now, I consider myself a pretty responsible and catastrophe conscious adult, probably because of those relentless ads they used to play during Saturday morning cartoons. “Stop, drop, and roll” was permanently etched on my brain. Not to mention, “Don’t take the car – you’ll kill yourself “and “Help! I’ve fallen and I can get up!” Add to that the emergency earthquake drills at school, and I like to think I am disaster-ready. Do you remember those obnoxious drills? Ugh. Having to climb under your desk and interlace your fingers across the back of your neck so you wouldn’t be paralyzed by falling debris. I actually think those drills caused more damage than an actual emergency would have. If you were lucky enough to get under a table or desk that didn’t have any gum on the underside of it (a true rarity), then you’d probably be doomed to bump your head really hard on the desk or the chair once the drill was over and it was time to climb out and take your seat. In retrospect, I don’t think those flimsy desks could saved anyone if a huge earthquake hit, and by the time you became a senior you were so totally jaded by enduring a lifetime of drills, that it was seemingly an exercise in futility (plus there was no way you were going to assume a proper crouch position while wearing a white jean Guess miniskirt and Mia flats…as if!). Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Trials and Tribulations | Tagged: Candle, Fire, Fire Extinguisher, Humor, Jeopardy, Survivor, Wax | Leave a Comment »
From the living room, I could hear a familiar guitar riff, and before Kenny was punchin’ his card I knew “Footloose” was on the TV. Somehow I was able to tear myself away from Facebook to go check it out. Apparently, the crack-like addiction that Facebook induces can be trumped by simply hearing the “Footloose” theme song, which technically makes “Footloose” the methamphetamine of 1980s film musicals. Who knew?