Kimopolis

One of the more unbelievable aspects of my life is that, by the grace of God or whomever, I have never been arrested. Not that I didn’t deserve to be arrested. I can think of three times off the top of my head where, had I not been so lucky, I would have been hauled off to the slammer or at least spent the night in the drunk tank. So, although I have plenty of photographs of me in compromising positions, none of those were official mug shots. I am sure if I had been arrested, my mug shot would have looked something like the ones below.

But before we get to the good stuff, my friends over at The Smoking Gun have compiled an assortment of criminals that were obviously inspired by Joaquin Phoenix’s recent publicity stunt. Unfortunately for these fellows, they went ahead and had these sentiments permanently inked on their skin. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

“Love/Hate” – A classic. First seen in the 1955 film noir “The Night of the Hunter.” A symbol of the great struggle between good and evil. Perhaps the individual pictured is a film buff, or fan of the musical stylings of the band HURT. Either way, it’s a bold statement, and apropos of a true, hardened criminal.

“Holy Shit” – Holy shit, indeed.

“Reckless” – Merriam-Webster defines reckless as “marked by lack of proper caution.” How ironic.

“Wisdom/Sobriety” – I don’t know if this young man believes that wisdom leads to sobriety, or that sobriety leads to wisdom. Either way, he couldn’t have been very sober or wise when he was being arrested. I am pretty sure “dumb” and “drunk” were the culprits here.

“Pure Bald” – To be honest, I don’t even know what this means. However, I am pretty sure that if this guy is indeed “pure bald” one wouldn’t have to refer to his knuckles to notice. It just seems…redundant.

“Dirty South” – Thank goodness for the Urban Dictionary. There are several different definitions of dirty south, but this one is my favorite:

Where the best comes from.

Where they get crunk at.

Where the thickest girls come from.

Where the sexiest accents come from.

This boy is representin’.

Okay, enough with the appetizers, let’s move on to the main entrée.

Well, here’s a nice looking young lady. She looks like she might work at the local Dairy Queen or Hot Dog on a Stick. Can’t you just picture her in one of those ridiculous red, yellow, and white hats taking out her aggressions on a vat full of lemons? Apparently she was arrested five weeks ago for domestic battery, and then arrested again this week for violating a no contact order. Sounds like someone is having boyfriend issues! Looks like Miss Teen America might be attending some anger management classes in the near future.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this isn’t the first time this guy has been arrested. Maybe it’s the faux-hawk and rattail combo, or maybe it’s the missing tooth, I’m not quite sure. But that crazy look in his eyes just screams methamphetamine. I hope this guy has friends on the inside, or else he’s going to be in a whole world of hurt.

Aw, don’t cry, honey. I’m sure whatever you did to get yourself in this position was all just a big misunderstanding. Domestic violence, you say? We’ve all been there before. It’s just that some of us don’t get arrested for it. Could somebody please get her a tissue?

Okay, a show of hands: Who thinks this guy knew he was going to get arrested when he got dressed this morning? He’s grinning like he just punk’d the entire police force. Sorry, dude. You are just an idiot. And that tee shirt? That tee shirt is a one way ticket to being somebody’s prison bitch. How much you want to bet that smile disappeared the moment they threw his ass in with the rest of the criminals. Sweet dreams, honey. Don’t drop the soap!

Somehow I don’t think Obama had these two fellows in mind as representatives of his public supporters. The guy on the left was nabbed for theft and criminal mischief. The other guy for simple assault. Now, I don’t know what state these two geniuses were arrested in, but the majority of the US state laws indicate that if you are incarcerated, on parole, or on probation…YOU CAN’T VOTE. Stay out of jail, if you want your vote to prevail. And, yes…I just made that shit up. Sounds good, though, doesn’t it?

How did these triplet’s senior portraits get into the mix? Oh, wait. That is the same girl. Oh, dear. You say she’s been arrested three times in the past six months? What could a sweet, innocent looking young girl like her possibly be in trouble with the law? Says here, she was busted for failure to appear, violating probation, and contempt. That’s not so bad. She obviously wanted to make sure she had the best mug shot she could take. The first one she made the mistake of wearing that hideous turtleneck. Not to mention she was looking a bit pale. For mug shot #2, she obviously had some serious spray tanning applied, but she crossed the point of no return when her tan began to take on that fake orange glow. So, what’s a girl to do? Wait a few weeks for that bad spray tan to fade, and this time ditch the hair clip in favor of the simple side bang. That clip was doing her no favors when it came to her five-head. But, silly girl, mug shot #3 is completely ruined by another wretched turtleneck…with stripes! Something tells me that mug shot #4 isn’t too far off. Good luck. And stay away from the turtlenecks!

This is one of my personal favorites. If her face didn’t already convey the message, her shirt sums it up perfectly. I wonder how long it takes her to get her eye makeup to look so…um…VIVID. I mean, those eyebrows are TO DIE for. Buck up, little camper! There’s still a chance that you could get a job at the MAC counter when you’re released!

I take it back. THIS is my favorite. She may not have a rainbow color palette of eye shadow available, but this lady makes the most out of her black kohl eyeliner pencil. It accents her eyebrows, her eyes, and, most importantly, her lips. I bet she uses a lighter to heat up that pencil before she applies it, too. It’s sheer genius. And, really, if you’re going to prison, isn’t it better to pack light? In a pinch, that eyeliner pencil could be stored in any of several different orifices.

Is it just me, or does this guy resemble the dude in the milk commercial? You know, the one who has an electric guitar full of milk. White Gold. Yeah, they should’ve stuck to their “Got milk?” campaign. I’d laugh every time that Aaron Burr aired. Any-mouth-full-of-peanut-butter, this offender has the best hair I’ve ever seen on a criminal. I wonder what he uses to get such volume. And how does he keep it looking so good while he’s out breaking the law? Do you think they let him brush it before this shot was taken? Does the police station have those cheap plastic combs available, like the ones the photographer has when you are getting your yearbook photo taken? Inquiring minds want to know.

People, people, people. Don’t you know that it’s not okay to get a tattoo on your face? Especially not one that uses vulgar language to convey a message of hate. Only unstable sociopaths like Mike Tyson or Maori warriors can pull off that shit. Look, I totally understand that this young man does not appreciate the men and women of the Los Angeles Police Department, but is it really necessary to permanently display those feelings to everyone all the time? And, I’m sorry, but isn’t that tattoo just insuring that if you do have a run in with the police, that they have a perfectly legitimate excuse to totally kick your ass? That tattoo is not going to buy you any leniency when it comes to the law. It’s like permanently affixing a “kick me” sign to the back of your shirt. Not a smart move, dude. Oh, and by the way, whoever tattooed that shit on your face, is not your friend.

What could you possibly be smiling about? Your Grillz? Are you a rapper or a pimp? I’m going to take a leap of faith and say…NEITHER. White people should never attempt to pull off the Grillz look. Especially not white chicks. In fact, the only person who should be allowed to wear Grillz is Flavor Flav, and that’s only because he’s crazy like that. Everyone else, just resist the urge. Okay?

“Oh, dear Lord, please help me now.”

And, lastly, the piece de la resistance…the mug shot of the month goes to this man:

For the love of all things a tranny hooker considers holy, what the hell happened to this guy’s face? Someone broke the shit out of this man’s nose, and I think it was probably right about the time this dude’s wig came off accidentally while he was performing some lewd and salacious act. Thank goodness his eyebrows weren’t smudged. A decent mug shot is all about the eyebrows.

So, my friends, when you’re considering driving home after imbibing in some holiday cheer this Thanksgiving, I hope these mug shots will have you think twice. Make sure you are wearing something respectable. Remember to check your make-up and fix your hair before you call 911 to come and arrest your abusive relative, because you might be on your way to jail, too. Your mug shot is one of the most important photographs of your life, much like your driver’s license or passport photo. Take the time to make it one of the best. You’re worth it!