Kimopolis

Alright people, LISTEN UP! I’m not going to say this again. Robert Pattinson IS NOT Edward Cullen. He is an actor. Admittedly, he is a very good looking actor, but he is still an actor nonetheless. Do you know why Robert Pattinson is not Edward Cullen? Because Edward Cullen is a VAMPIRE. And you know what? There are no such things as vampires. I know, this may come as a shock to some of you, but trust me. Vampires do NOT exist. Honestly. If you don’t believe me, read this. Or this.

Now, I know it seems like vampires are real because nowadays you can’t turn on your television, go see a movie or crack open a book without encountering at least one blood-sucking creature of the living dead. There’s the True Blood series on HBO, the Stephanie Meyer books, and, obviously, Twilight the movie. And even before this most recent wave of vampire lore came along there were the Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles, two of which were made into films, the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer and it’s spin off Angel, and a whole heap of feature films including The Lost Boys, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Blade, Underworld, and Van Helsing just to name a few. You would think that our society was somewhat obsessed with tales of the undead, and I can’t blame you for wishing that maybe just a little bit of it were true…especially with a vampire like Edward Cullen, because Edward is not your typical vampire.

Edward does not sleep in a coffin. In fact, he doesn’t sleep at all. He chooses not to prey upon humans to satisfy his thirst and instead curbs his monster appetite with the occasional bear or mountain lion. Edward is not harmed by exposure to the sun, nor does he seem too worried about garlic, holy water or crucifixes. Whereas most vampires have much to be wary of in the human world, Edward appears to be almost invincible. In fact, Edward spends most of his time worrying more about Bella’s well being than his own.

So, you see, what preteen girl could possibly resist? All of those nasty vampire traits, like having to murder innocent people in order to survive, have been erased and all but forgotten for Edward Cullen and his clan. It’s almost unfair. Aside from being dead, Edward is a perfectly delightful 108-year-old vampire, trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy. He is living (well, sort of) the Wooderson ideal: he may get older, but the girls still stay the same age. Are any of you remotely creeped out by that thought? No? Not even a little? Okay, then. Imagine making out with a 100-year-old man. Not a pretty picture, is it?

Now, I understand that all you tweeners really want is somebody to love you like Edward loves Bella. To the casual observer, their tortured love story is what dreams are made of. Time for a reality check, ladies. Edward Cullen is a STALKER. He is with Bella practically 24 hours a day. If he isn’t keeping an eye on her, he makes sure that someone he trusts does. And if anyone dare to encroach upon Bella’s spare time, Edward becomes immediately and irrationally jealous. Jealous enough to kill someone. That’s not love, that’s FATAL ATTRACTION.

But, by far, Edward’s biggest flaw is that if he wants to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loves, she will have to die. That’s a lot to ask of a girl, don’t you think? Even if you put aside the fact that he’s an overly possessive centigenarian, he is still going to have to kill his girlfriend in order to turn her into his immortal beloved. Can you say…selfish? Sure, Bella is up for it, but if he really loved her, he wouldn’t sentence her to an eternity of sleepless nights existing solely on a diet of blood. Yuck.

So, ladies let’s try to keep a modicum of decorum when exposed to the man who would play Edward Cullen. Don’t scream yourself hoarse in hopes that he will see you, stop walking down the red carpet, hop the velvet rope, embrace you and declare his undying love for you. You’re only giving him tintinitis. Please stop inflicting physical injuries upon yourself, so that Mr. Pattinson will be overcome with the urge to feed from you upon seeing the blood gushing from your wounds. That’s not just gross and disturbing, but highly unsanitary. It’s time to pack up your sleeping bag and stop living in Mr. Pattinson’s bushes just to catch a glimpse of the guy getting paid to pretend to be Edward Cullen.

Pace yourself. Pattinson has signed on to do at least two more movies, and if you’re lucky…three. CALM DOWN. Take a Xanax. Sneak a shot of your parent’s booze. Do some yoga or deep breathing exercises. Just do whatever it takes for you to get a grip, because, frankly, some of you are all only one small step away from an extended stay in a white, padded room.